Ticking Time-Bomb

I thought I knew myself very, very well. In fact, I thought I analyzed myself far too much. But, it turns out, what I thought was self-assessing, was really the analysis of what anyone and everyone else thought about my every move. And now, it seems that I know very little, and surprise myself very often. Throughout the years, it seems I've been consumed with who I "ought to be" instead of who I really am. I suppose this is typical for people my age, to discover themselves this way. But, I've got to tell you, it is shocking to find yourself crying so unexpectedly about the thought of plans changing. I didn't know I was quite as tightly wound as I am. Maybe, I've always tried to cover that up in order to please people, but inside there's always been a silent scream in the face of uncertainty or social discomfort. And the tears are suddenly ramped up when the new plans include sleeping in a hotel room with several of your boyfriend's friends for a night. And, these people are nice people, never given me any cause for distrust. But, for some reason that I've yet to understand, the thought of it is so disarming, so detrimental to my mental state, that it leaves me in utter shambles, speechless, silent tears. I am pretty sure I was more surprised by this burst of emotion than my boyfriend on the other side of the video-chat. It seems that it was a combination of uncertainty, new people, and the vulnerability required when sleeping next to other people. It struck a huge chord that I had no idea was there. And it's a little frightening that such a deep fear and distrust of people has been hidden under such shallow layers of facade for so long. What else don't I know? I learn all these new fears that I have and I'm bewildered, because shouldn't I have known? Shouldn't I be aware of things that I intensely dislike, things that scare the lights out of me? I don't know which is scarier now, other people, or me, the ticking time-bomb of a person.

Vegan in Shreveport? What?

Yes, I've been trying the vegan thing for this past July. I have learned so many things!


So, the first struggle I encountered was finances. And let me tell you the fear of losing all my money was real for me as i am a poor college student! I had always heard that being vegan was going to take a lot of commitment and a lot of $$$..... Well, I was right about the first part! For sure! But money has not been a huge issue throughout this thing. And let me tell you how it makes sense for me.

-Shopping for the seemingly, expensive fruit and vegetables seems to be canceled out by the weekly(ish) trip to the store for milk, eggs, and butter.

-Frozen and canned fruit and vegetables are perfectly acceptable.  They last longer than processed foods and dairy products with expiration dates.

-Soy milk, coconut milk, almond milk, and rice milk last longer than regular dairy milk. These things can also be found in Great Value brands (cheap!) and they are also canned versions which are also cheaper.

-Now, yes. There are several distinctly vegan ingredients out there that are hard to find and expensive when you find them. Some of those ingredients include tahini, nutritional yeast, argo powder, cashew/almond butter, tofu, etc. But, seriously, these type of ingredients are used in more advanced vegan recipes. They are all very good substitutions, but are not necessary for survival lol. If you want to be a gourmet vegan chef, please go for it! Just know that you don't have to :)

So secondly, the struggle with expectations.

-The first expectation I had was that I could just go to the store, stock up, and I would be set. There is SO much more to it than that. I am not going to lie to you. This requires a lot of research, self-control, and perseverance. I quickly discovered that I wasn't going to find everything I wanted at Walmart. The first trip, I came home with mushrooms, some soy milk, hummus, and tortillas. I had no idea what I was doing lol!

But, dont be discouraged after that first trip to the store! The first one will be a tad expensive and a tad disappointing. Put those mushrooms and black beans in a tortilla with some hummus, then get to researching! :P There are plenty of things you can find online, in other grocery stores in your area, and whatever whole foods stores are around you! :) We dont have an actual Whole Foods Store anywhere near Shreveport. We do have a couple, little cute grocery markets with natural selections. I shopped in those places, online, and I made a trip to the Whole Foods store in New Orleans when I was there :)

-The second expectation was that my extra weight was just going to fall off of me the minute I started. (Maybe if you're a guy or if you have a fast metabolism)  It requires work just like your average diet. You still have to exercise. And if you're serious about getting healthy, you have to accept a healthy mentality too.  There are lots of things that are vegan, but are not good for you. (soda, french fries (for the most part), most candy, chips, etc) It's okay if you have an occasional Dr. Pepper, but if you want to be healthy, you'll mostly stick with the water and multi-grain crackers (really tasty btw).

The last struggle I had was cravings!! Cravings everywhere!

I, honestly, didn't have that hard of a time giving up meat. Woo! It was the dairy that killed me. I've always been the type of person that will drink two tall glasses of straight milk for no reason. I also looooove cheese. All the gourmet cheeses! I could tell you all about them. Poor me lol.

I would find myself making a brilliant salad with, like, everything homemade! I was very excited!.... then I would think, "dang,,, just a little bit of feta cheese would be perfect with this." Lots of times, i had to tell myself no. But, if i was having a hard craving for something, I would just go ahead and put some feta cheese on the salad, or have a little piece of chocolate, etc.

I find that it is better to indulge a little rather than wait till you are OUT OF YOUR MIND and binge-eat on loads of chocolate (ladies, you know what i mean).


So, those are just some thoughts on the vegan thing. Mainly, I would encourage to not be too hard on yourself. If you slip up, it's not the end of the world. Just get back up and try again. If you eat a hamburger and all the terrible things one day, just start new the next day! Chin up! We'll get through this together! :)

To: You

The hardest person to love is the one that has hurt me the most. It wasn't the direct words and actions, but the subtle selfishness beneath every decision. The anger that made me scared of the world. The selfishness that made me accept a materialistic and gluttonous lifestyle. And, the disrespect that taught me to hate myself. The realization of all these things riled up anger, pain, hurt, and hate in my heart for you. My life feels like a lie sometimes. Like I've lost years to that lifestyle I learned from you. I feel betrayed because I trusted you the most. You taught me to trust you the most. Then you shattered my life.

Forgiveness may be the strongest act of love I have ever witnessed. It is the sacrifice of pride, entitlement, and sometimes, happiness. We, as sinful humans are almost built to avoid forgiveness and to take on pride. Not only are we built by it, we are taught to take it on every day we live in this world. 

True love is not "true love" from the movies. Love is taking my pride and my hurt, and considering it of no value compared to your happiness and your greater good. Love is taking the love Jesus had on the painful cross for us and giving it to you. I am broken and sinful. I cannot begin to describe the amount of Jesus in me it will take to love you. But, I will no longer be driven by hate. I will no longer shrug off feelings, in general, because feelings hurt. I confess that it's easy to hate you and the decisions you've made. It's easy to hate myself. 

I forgive you because Jesus loves me. Not because you deserve it and not because I'm a good person. The only love being showered on you through me is the love of Jesus. The most powerful love that I know will now be cast onto you. I am a vessel for the love of Jesus Christ. I am not here to judge, to blame, to hate. 

Jesus loves me. I can't think of a more beautiful promise. I can't think of a more beautiful gift than to allow His love to flow through me. I am made new because of him. He is the only thing holding my shattered pieces together. I don't need you or anyone to be something for me. I am whole again because of him. I pray for you because He was my Savior when I was lost. 

I live to proclaim His name to you and the world.

The Lord is at hand

In Philippians 4:4, Paul says "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I say Rejoice."

We are following Matt Chandler's video series on Philippians, and this is the verse he focused on, and we talked about, last night. Here's a few notes I got from it.

--Rejoicing doesn't always = a smile.
--God redeems struggling by being who He is.
--Rejoicing is not a cheesy, unrealistic view of life.
--God is always who He is (faithful, trustworthy, loving) in good and bad times.
--It's okay, and even better for me to ask why.
--Rejoicing doesn't stop the suffering.
--Rejoicing in the pain doesn't stop the pain.
--Rejoicing in the power of God over our circumstances is right.
--Rejoicing in Him gives up hope and strength to live through the pain.
--The Lord is at hand.


I'm sure I'm theologically wrong on things sometimes, but I feel like that's okay. I feel like God loves a willing, servant heart. Rejoicing is so hard. Just hearing that it was important last night was my undoing. I have so many things going on right now. So many internal battles that keep me up at night and keep me depressed. It's so easy to be discouraged right now, and instead I'm called to rejoice. The Lord is at hand.

LIVING

It's really easy to focus on the things going wrong and the people who've done you wrong. I realize that I constantly paint the darkest, saddest picture for myself. I paint myself alone and sad. I have reasons that make sense to me. But, why?? I keep saying I want to break out of it, but how can I if I dwell on it? I really believe that not all problems have clear, cut answers. I'm learning that life is not about fixing yourself. Life is about looking OUTSIDE of yourself. Life is about SEEING the beauty in everything. You can't let YOU block YOU from the rest of the world, if that makes sense. I thought lies, evil, confusion, and critical people were holding me back. That's a lie.

I AM HOLDING MYSELF BACK FROM LIVING.

I really, really am.

I tiptoe around scared, and lacking confidence. I try not to care about anything, so as to protect this heart. This heart that's barely beating. How can it beat? There has been no dreams, no cares, no life to support.

I will never live up to my expectations. I can tell myself that I don't have to, and all that. But, I know as long as I think, I will over-think. And as long as I guess, I will second-guess. So, it's got to not be about me anymore. It's got to be about anything else. It's got to be about the beauty I see. The beauty in God's love, His creation, the wonder in a child, the faith in sincere friendships. I've got to believe in something more than me. If life is about whether I succeed in every miniscule task, I'm wasting every second.

I have WONDERFUL friends right now. I'm renewing my faith in people, because I'm actually giving people a chance. And I'm not putting myself in the way anymore. I want to let people be exactly who they are. No more protecting, manipulating, questioning. I just want to be free. I have people freeing me right now. And THAT is beautiful.

What a wonderful God I need to serve.