Hello Lovely

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Project Live: Days 105-122

To lighten things up a little bit :)

August 28-29, 2011
um.. not yet.

August 30, 2011

introducing the music faculty.... geniuses man...
There now, don't geniuses just lighten the mood?

August 31, 2011

no, but me likey :)

imma dork, i know :P

September 1, 2011

you know those pretty sunsets that the picture screws up? Yeah....... :)
outside Wally world

September 2, 2011

nope

Septembre (Sep-teh-mmm-bu-rrrrrr-aayyy) 3, 2011

walking in the morning. yes, it was raining, but i was dedicated..... actually, mostly cause I was
already up at 8 on a Saturday, so nothing was gonna stop me.

September 4-7, 2011

:-'( (i cry from my nose)

September 8, 2011

idk why this keeps loading on its side. My computer must just hate piano textbooks. Yeah, that makes sense.

September 9, 2011

no, but im Stronger!!!!! (than yesterday... oooh yeah)

September 10, 2011

LSU game!!! :)

me and my bffffffff (figure it out!) eating pieces of someone's 5 pound Hershey Chocolate Bar..... yes really.

Tiger Stadium! I performed for all these people and they loved me. Every last one of them.

And April's Birthday!! :)

blech picture of me, and caveman Jonathan, but April looks fantastic, and it was a fun time :)

September 11, 2011

no picture :/ Hard to imagine it's been 10 years! Prayed for the families still living with losses today.

September 12, 2011

my computer doesn't like anything music related. Totally about to throw this thing away.....
Oh, I'm listening to Britney Spears right now? Nevermind.

September 13, 2011

the beeeuuuuutiful oboe reed I made.... literally I have tears in my nose....

**** please excuse all the silliness in this post. anything to laugh, folks****

When you're so disgusted by these waves of emotion. Any emotion you've ever felt. It all feels like a lie. Feelings lie. I can't trust them. They betray me. You can't trust yourself anymore. What you thought was right, isn't. Disgusted with how you are. How you're so affected. I try to act like I have this thick skin, but I dont. How could I be THAT wrong? I guess I thought I was exempt from the "blinded by love" thing. Or maybe I'm not intuitive at all. Maybe once I have an idea, I latch onto it. Maybe I devote myself to this idea so much, that all red flags are pushed out of my mind. Maybe my mind twists everything bc I have it in my head. I'm so convinced that it's right, that nothing and no one can make me believe otherwise. The problem now, is that it's over, and I'm still desperately trying to grab for those red flags. Trying to see things that I didn't. The problem..... is that I'm still not seeing the problem. My mom, dear old mom, told me that I have the ability to make any relationship work. I'm pretty sure she meant it as an encouragement. But, to be honest, it scared the s*** out of me. Does that mean that this is going to happen again?? Really? Again?..... The other scary observation came from my brother. He said he believed that I really did love him. That I was devoted to him and loved him unconditionally..... Why? How could I be so "deeply in love" (as you can see, I still don't want to believe it) with the wrong person? Why was I so committed to the wrong thing? Why was I killing myself to make the wrong relationship work? Because I'm one of those desperate girls who cant live single? NO! According to my brother, it was because I thought it was worth it. I loved him so much that I was willing to sacrifice anything.......

First, it scares me. But, then, I just get sad. I feel so betrayed and pathetic. Maybe this is a lesson so I wont be so blinded next time, but right now, it seems like all I can think about is the past. I go through stages. First, it's feeling hopeless. I can't trust myself, so it's not going to happen. Blah blah... Then the second stage is denial. I want to believe that I was just a lovesick puppy and it wasn't real. I decide that I will feel "the real thing" with the right one (whatever that is). Then, I get disgusted with myself, so I abandon all feeling and go into the third stage where I decide that I will never ever let anyone get close to me again. I promise myself that I'll be fine with just God and no people. Then (4th), I realize that I like people again. I like friendships and having people to care for. Then, those friendships and family ties tide me over/distract me until I get back to the first stage.

In the midst of all of this, I haven't forgotten about God. I talk to him all the time now. This ^ stuff is goin on in the background. I know that he understands and that I'll get to the other side of all this junk. Now, I just have to learn to be patient. Obviously, something that ran so deep inside me for so long (2 years), is going to take a long time to eradicate (to pull by the roots *me likey*). I'll get it. God'll help me kill it. He's cool like that.

Monday, October 10, 2011

The Stuff of Today

1) I didn't get my thory midterm back yet........

2) I keep having flashbacks of happier times. Stomach sickness and queasiness follow without fail.

3) Practice is going to be long.

4) I sprained my ankle during the weekend... again. So, I am limping and hurting with every step.

5) I gave a guy a little too harsh of a look earlier. I didn't know how to recover. Luckily, he went on flirting unphased....

6) C.j. wrapped my ankle in an Ace bandage, which we're hoping will help.

7) I discovered that I don't actually know how to spell the word "oppertunity" Don't know if it's an e or an o. I decided that I don't want to know. I feel like being willfully ignorant. I don't think I've ever done that. It's some sort of freedom, I think.

8) This is sad.

Goodbye peeps.

P.S "Peeps" marshamallows are the nastiest thing in the world. I think every single one of them should be run over by an 18-wheeler.

P.P.S. You guys aren't nasty. I love you guys. Calm down, it's just a term!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I'm back

I've been stressed and mean and difficult and irritated and freaking out about every little thing. But not anymore. Some of it has to do with the fact that something major just happened to me (not the best event). But most of it is because I feel like I'm finally right with God. I finally realized just how much I had lost focus of Him. I had so many idols that I was worshipping. So, last night I had a long talk with God.

I don't want to lose sight of Him ever again. I dont want to waste another second that could've been used to glorify Him. I'm so tired of dishonoring Him with my actions, my thoughts, my words, and my attitude. I have not been grateful for all that He's done for me. So, I don't want to keep passing up oppertunities to praise Him, to talk about Him, to serve Him. I want my entire life to be act of service to Him.

Because of the "event" I was feeling very alone. I felt like no one wanted to be there for me. I had no hope that I would ever be happy again. But, I really believe that was because I forgot about God. People don't want to hear about the fact that He's always there and you're never alone if you're His child. It sounds like a load of bullcrap that they just tell you to make you feel better. But, I'm telling you, I'm convinced that it's true. I've come to the conclusion that I either believe that or I don't. I either buy into the world's opinion that I just have to look out for #1 and come out on top, or I buy into the fact that God is my Heavenly Father, and He will do what good fathers do for their children, and that is take care of them, comfort them, and carry them through the pain. If I believe that, then I better act like it. If someone's opinion about what I "believe" causes me to waver, then I don't really believe it.

God is bigger than my sins, even than the habitual ones that I can't seem to shake. There have been people in my life who just stopped loving me, or saw things in me that they didn't like and walked away from me. There have been people who just stopped at my appearance. These people have turned me callous and bitter and just plain wary of people. but God has always been there for me. Even when I forgot about Him, and basically, didn't think He was worth living for, He stood by me and loved me. He knows me better than any of those people who walked away did, and He stayed. He saw my complete, true, ugly colors and never stopped loving me. If I really believe that, than my whole life should be act after act of gratitude to Him. He should be the only thing I find worth living for for the rest of my life. I mean that. It's a big deal, man. I'm making this decision, and with God's help, no one and no thing is going to stop me.