Ah yes. I knew you'd come back.

It's funny how complicated we are. I suffer from contradicting and confusing myself constantly. I feel alone, so I want somebody to hang out with. But, not long after we've been together, I'd like for them to leave. Those poor, poor people.... Maybe, it's because I'm spending time with them for the wrong reasons. I might feel bad that I only wanted them for company, so I start feeling guilty. Other ways that I'm inwardly contradicting: Sometimes, I'm perfectly socially acceptable, but then other times, I imagine the most awkward things I could say or do in every situation. I'll make awkward faces at people I don't know well enough to do that to, just because it will probably make them feel uncomfortable. But, then later, I walk with my head down in a hallway, and only smile and say hello if they're looking too (which, i believe, is the acceptable thing to do). I'll spend large portions of my time scared of being noticed. Then the "crazy" comes out because I've been deprived. Neither one of those two sides of my "social life" are really me. Really and truly, I've been too scared of me to ever have tried to experiment with who I am with people.

It's not fair that it's only ok for psychology majors to try to disect the human mind & their behaviour. ( yay for European spellings!)

Ah yes. I knew you'd come back.

On a side note, I've decided that the negative language I reserve for when I refer to myself needs to stop. I'm learning about how I need to value myself. I've been realizing how devalued I have been by several people. So I've been trying to be more confident and happy with who I am. But, I know it's just a waste of time, if I just keep letting these words of mine slide. I can't keep looking at myself in the mirror with hate. I can't keep insulting myself on the inside when I feel like I said something dumb. I'm demanding that others respect me, but it's not fair unless I ask the same of myself. My oboe teacher calls her office the No-Negative Zone for me during lessons. (I have a bad habit of calling myself stupid, or getting really angry when I can't play something right.)  I think everywhere should be that for me. No, I'm not going to be some annoyingly, peppy, positive person all the time. But for now, I've gotta have over-the-top confidence in every area.

Two more side notes, then you can go:

I did Zumba dance yesterday, and IT WAS AMAZING!!! and I'm doing yoga on Saturday, which should be equally healthy and good for me :) Yay!

and.

I got my refund check this weekend. Yay! But then I lost my wallet. So now I have a bunch of money in the bank that I can't get to. Yessss....