Life and Love Tip #1

I always wanted to know what it felt like to be on the other side of the concerned questions.  Do people really want me to ask them how they're doing with the death of the father or their breakup?  All of a sudden, people are coming out of the blue asking me how I'm doing with my parents divorce.  First thought that runs through my head is, how AM I doing?  Then, I think about all the craziness of emotions that flooded through me at that time.  All the questions and bitterness towards life and God.  Not all towards my parents or the act of their divorce.  Just all the thoughts that ran through my mind that stemmed from that.  I had many hopeless thoughts, then many epiphanies and wonderful declarations of my love for God in the midst of everything, then back to hopelessness. There was too much.  So, I always end up saying something stupid like, "It was hard at first, but it's better now."  The people that are asking.  I know they care.  But, it's so hard to put into words everything I've learned this past year.  The divorce was a major point of stretching and learning, and it's hard to explain how affected I was without sounding dramatically rehearsed. 

There were a few people who were there when everything first started happening.  They were there when I felt emotionally and spiritually dead, and they were also there when I started learning to trust in complete uncertainty.  They experienced the growing with me, and I know they understand.  I can't make a checklist of what I learned, but I know that I'm different now, and I know that I WANT to keep changing.  Also, I want to include people in on my changing so that it doesn't feel weird talking about the long-story-short result. 

Isn't that what life is about though? Not the long-story-short result.  I don't want to be so concerned with a happy ending.  I want to experience it, and I don't want to shut people out everytime I feel vulnerable, and then let them back in when all my scars have been covered up. 

Show me your scars. I'll love you.

Dude.

I'm so pumped about today. Simple things that made this day awesome:


1) Assignments finished and turned in on time.

2) Took a test that I studied for

3) Fixed my hair, and wore makeup and matching, cute clothes (the matching is a big deal, guys)

4) Found a homework assignment that my teacher  gave back to me, but then accidentally recorded the grade incorrectly. Gonna give it to her tomorrow for proof! :)

5) Wrote out my maj/min scales for practice and productivity!

6) dress rehearsal for the concert tomorrow went well :)

7) the songs on KLOVE today were all about God's love and how big it is compared to anything else I'm fighting.

8) my beautiful friend, Catey , sent me an encouraging txt msg that warmed my heart.


The best thing about today was that it started out with me feeling sick, sad, and hopeless. But God showed himself to me. I'm so thankful this day He has made. He gave me a break from this ever-present gloom that wants to consume me. Today, I learned that He is so big and mighty and full of love. I don't want to be fearful of myself anymore, because I trust in God. He'll never disappoint me. What a promising, rewarding day!

Thank you, Lord, for who you are.

And, thank you for giving my wonderful friends

to get me through and be examples of You.

I love You forever.

I wonder if I'm destined to sabotage anything good forever now.  I long for the old Rachel. The one who was so hopeful and excited. She could bounce back from anything. She wasn't nonchalant about much of anything. You know, I wouldn't even care if the gullible, naiveity came back with it. I'd almost rather believe everyone, then constantly question.  I feel little. And I can't decide if that is by choice, or by human nature.

Rant.

Do you have to like everything someone does to like them? Can I be attracted to someone who's socially awkward like me? Does he need to be better than me? Is it enough that he treats me like a princess every minute of every day? What if I feel scared a lot of the time? How impressed am I supposed to be with him? How much admiration is healthy?  Can he mess up his grammar and fail at being funny a lot of the times? I've been so critical. I'm trying not to be anymore, but I just wish someone could answer these questions for me. Just in case, there are red flags I'm missing. I'm terrified of hurting this person. Again. And the thought of getting emotionally attached to another person? Freaks me out, man. This person makes me happy. But, I can't tell if it's the real thing. I don't know if I'm asking too much. What if I feel like I still want to be single sometimes? I've gotten used to being independent (with a 1-year on and off long-distance relationship, then 5 months of singleness). If I'm being honest, the thought of answering to someone and planning my future with them (AGAIN) makes me feel sick. Gosh, I'm sooooo confused. People say I should take my time. But, I don't want to lead that person on while I'm still thinking. I feel I've already gotten too invested. Wish I didn't screw everything up all the freakin time.


P.S. Someday, I will write a song with punctuation in the title so I can be cool too.

Some Comments

I'm really not a good friend sometimes.


I've had 19 years of "me" time. It's getting old.


I still love swans and my teddy bear, Anthony. I hope I never grow out of it.


Sometimes, I wish I never I knew what love felt like, so the absence of it wouldn't hurt so much.


So much pretending, and lies, and fear.  Tell me why we live like this.


Someone I cared about, called me ugly and fat, and disapproved of me. I wish I didn't care about their opinion. I wish I didn't have to cry about it.


I'm worth loving. I have value. And I wont tolerate that anymore. I promise.