Summer Time

It is summer time!

My brother and I started this 10 day all fruit and vegetables diet on Monday. And guys, it has been haaaarrrrd!! (it's only Wednesday) So I started thinking about other options for our diet. I thought of going vegan to be able to add some things. But I researched some vegan meals and they were filled with ingredients I'd never heard of and $$$... Sooo, that was out. Now, I'm looking at a more vegetarian diet (with the inclusion of eggs--but we'll talk about that later). So we (at least, I) are/am having fruits and veggies all day, then a healthy, homecooked meal for an early dinner.

So today, I was literally RUNNING in and out the door all day, so I only had a few blueberries and an apple, before my early dinner (not so good). But! I was so productive! I went to a Zumba class this morning at 9:30. I bought fresh herbs, herb seeds, and a couple pots, came home and planted everything, then bought ingredients for healthy meals at Walmart. Then went to my call-back interview at Pieworks, and got the job!! (i start training next week!).

So! When I finally started driving home for real, I started actually feeling hungry. I passed sooo many fast food places.... but, I was dilligent and excited about the ingredients sitting at home for me :)

So tonight I made a Greek Tortellini Salad - minus the Tortellini cuz I couldn't find it :P so it's stupidly simple. But I'm discovering how wonderful simple flavors are(b/c of the whole "only fruit and vegetables" thing. Taste-buds are losing their need for rich, fatty, salty overloads, and appreciating simple, fresh things).

I used this recipe. It includes these ingredients:
Salad :
Spinach
Feta
Red onion

Vinaigrette:
EVOO
red wine vinegar
lemon juice
salt
oregano flakes
salt
fresh parsley

Now, Rachel doesn't always follow the rules. So here are the ingredients I added or subtracted :

-red onion
+grape tomato
+more salt in vinaigrette
+salt and pepper on actual salad
+fried egg

Which brings me to my newfound obsession. The EGG. Fried, poached, scrambled, sunny side-up. It. doesn't. matter. Rachel. is. happy.

Also, I've been working out with Jonathan everyday. Mostly getting toned, since I'll lose weight with this diet thingy. Except cardio today with Zumba. Anyway, it's awesome :)

Thank you.

P.S. I think this is the last time I'll change the layout.... I don't know, I kinda like this whiplash.

Life and Love Tip #1

I always wanted to know what it felt like to be on the other side of the concerned questions.  Do people really want me to ask them how they're doing with the death of the father or their breakup?  All of a sudden, people are coming out of the blue asking me how I'm doing with my parents divorce.  First thought that runs through my head is, how AM I doing?  Then, I think about all the craziness of emotions that flooded through me at that time.  All the questions and bitterness towards life and God.  Not all towards my parents or the act of their divorce.  Just all the thoughts that ran through my mind that stemmed from that.  I had many hopeless thoughts, then many epiphanies and wonderful declarations of my love for God in the midst of everything, then back to hopelessness. There was too much.  So, I always end up saying something stupid like, "It was hard at first, but it's better now."  The people that are asking.  I know they care.  But, it's so hard to put into words everything I've learned this past year.  The divorce was a major point of stretching and learning, and it's hard to explain how affected I was without sounding dramatically rehearsed. 

There were a few people who were there when everything first started happening.  They were there when I felt emotionally and spiritually dead, and they were also there when I started learning to trust in complete uncertainty.  They experienced the growing with me, and I know they understand.  I can't make a checklist of what I learned, but I know that I'm different now, and I know that I WANT to keep changing.  Also, I want to include people in on my changing so that it doesn't feel weird talking about the long-story-short result. 

Isn't that what life is about though? Not the long-story-short result.  I don't want to be so concerned with a happy ending.  I want to experience it, and I don't want to shut people out everytime I feel vulnerable, and then let them back in when all my scars have been covered up. 

Show me your scars. I'll love you.

Dude.

I'm so pumped about today. Simple things that made this day awesome:


1) Assignments finished and turned in on time.

2) Took a test that I studied for

3) Fixed my hair, and wore makeup and matching, cute clothes (the matching is a big deal, guys)

4) Found a homework assignment that my teacher  gave back to me, but then accidentally recorded the grade incorrectly. Gonna give it to her tomorrow for proof! :)

5) Wrote out my maj/min scales for practice and productivity!

6) dress rehearsal for the concert tomorrow went well :)

7) the songs on KLOVE today were all about God's love and how big it is compared to anything else I'm fighting.

8) my beautiful friend, Catey , sent me an encouraging txt msg that warmed my heart.


The best thing about today was that it started out with me feeling sick, sad, and hopeless. But God showed himself to me. I'm so thankful this day He has made. He gave me a break from this ever-present gloom that wants to consume me. Today, I learned that He is so big and mighty and full of love. I don't want to be fearful of myself anymore, because I trust in God. He'll never disappoint me. What a promising, rewarding day!

Thank you, Lord, for who you are.

And, thank you for giving my wonderful friends

to get me through and be examples of You.

I love You forever.

I wonder if I'm destined to sabotage anything good forever now.  I long for the old Rachel. The one who was so hopeful and excited. She could bounce back from anything. She wasn't nonchalant about much of anything. You know, I wouldn't even care if the gullible, naiveity came back with it. I'd almost rather believe everyone, then constantly question.  I feel little. And I can't decide if that is by choice, or by human nature.

Rant.

Do you have to like everything someone does to like them? Can I be attracted to someone who's socially awkward like me? Does he need to be better than me? Is it enough that he treats me like a princess every minute of every day? What if I feel scared a lot of the time? How impressed am I supposed to be with him? How much admiration is healthy?  Can he mess up his grammar and fail at being funny a lot of the times? I've been so critical. I'm trying not to be anymore, but I just wish someone could answer these questions for me. Just in case, there are red flags I'm missing. I'm terrified of hurting this person. Again. And the thought of getting emotionally attached to another person? Freaks me out, man. This person makes me happy. But, I can't tell if it's the real thing. I don't know if I'm asking too much. What if I feel like I still want to be single sometimes? I've gotten used to being independent (with a 1-year on and off long-distance relationship, then 5 months of singleness). If I'm being honest, the thought of answering to someone and planning my future with them (AGAIN) makes me feel sick. Gosh, I'm sooooo confused. People say I should take my time. But, I don't want to lead that person on while I'm still thinking. I feel I've already gotten too invested. Wish I didn't screw everything up all the freakin time.


P.S. Someday, I will write a song with punctuation in the title so I can be cool too.