Ticking Time-Bomb

I thought I knew myself very, very well. In fact, I thought I analyzed myself far too much. But, it turns out, what I thought was self-assessing, was really the analysis of what anyone and everyone else thought about my every move. And now, it seems that I know very little, and surprise myself very often. Throughout the years, it seems I've been consumed with who I "ought to be" instead of who I really am. I suppose this is typical for people my age, to discover themselves this way. But, I've got to tell you, it is shocking to find yourself crying so unexpectedly about the thought of plans changing. I didn't know I was quite as tightly wound as I am. Maybe, I've always tried to cover that up in order to please people, but inside there's always been a silent scream in the face of uncertainty or social discomfort. And the tears are suddenly ramped up when the new plans include sleeping in a hotel room with several of your boyfriend's friends for a night. And, these people are nice people, never given me any cause for distrust. But, for some reason that I've yet to understand, the thought of it is so disarming, so detrimental to my mental state, that it leaves me in utter shambles, speechless, silent tears. I am pretty sure I was more surprised by this burst of emotion than my boyfriend on the other side of the video-chat. It seems that it was a combination of uncertainty, new people, and the vulnerability required when sleeping next to other people. It struck a huge chord that I had no idea was there. And it's a little frightening that such a deep fear and distrust of people has been hidden under such shallow layers of facade for so long. What else don't I know? I learn all these new fears that I have and I'm bewildered, because shouldn't I have known? Shouldn't I be aware of things that I intensely dislike, things that scare the lights out of me? I don't know which is scarier now, other people, or me, the ticking time-bomb of a person.

Vegan in Shreveport? What?

Yes, I've been trying the vegan thing for this past July. I have learned so many things!


So, the first struggle I encountered was finances. And let me tell you the fear of losing all my money was real for me as i am a poor college student! I had always heard that being vegan was going to take a lot of commitment and a lot of $$$..... Well, I was right about the first part! For sure! But money has not been a huge issue throughout this thing. And let me tell you how it makes sense for me.

-Shopping for the seemingly, expensive fruit and vegetables seems to be canceled out by the weekly(ish) trip to the store for milk, eggs, and butter.

-Frozen and canned fruit and vegetables are perfectly acceptable.  They last longer than processed foods and dairy products with expiration dates.

-Soy milk, coconut milk, almond milk, and rice milk last longer than regular dairy milk. These things can also be found in Great Value brands (cheap!) and they are also canned versions which are also cheaper.

-Now, yes. There are several distinctly vegan ingredients out there that are hard to find and expensive when you find them. Some of those ingredients include tahini, nutritional yeast, argo powder, cashew/almond butter, tofu, etc. But, seriously, these type of ingredients are used in more advanced vegan recipes. They are all very good substitutions, but are not necessary for survival lol. If you want to be a gourmet vegan chef, please go for it! Just know that you don't have to :)

So secondly, the struggle with expectations.

-The first expectation I had was that I could just go to the store, stock up, and I would be set. There is SO much more to it than that. I am not going to lie to you. This requires a lot of research, self-control, and perseverance. I quickly discovered that I wasn't going to find everything I wanted at Walmart. The first trip, I came home with mushrooms, some soy milk, hummus, and tortillas. I had no idea what I was doing lol!

But, dont be discouraged after that first trip to the store! The first one will be a tad expensive and a tad disappointing. Put those mushrooms and black beans in a tortilla with some hummus, then get to researching! :P There are plenty of things you can find online, in other grocery stores in your area, and whatever whole foods stores are around you! :) We dont have an actual Whole Foods Store anywhere near Shreveport. We do have a couple, little cute grocery markets with natural selections. I shopped in those places, online, and I made a trip to the Whole Foods store in New Orleans when I was there :)

-The second expectation was that my extra weight was just going to fall off of me the minute I started. (Maybe if you're a guy or if you have a fast metabolism)  It requires work just like your average diet. You still have to exercise. And if you're serious about getting healthy, you have to accept a healthy mentality too.  There are lots of things that are vegan, but are not good for you. (soda, french fries (for the most part), most candy, chips, etc) It's okay if you have an occasional Dr. Pepper, but if you want to be healthy, you'll mostly stick with the water and multi-grain crackers (really tasty btw).

The last struggle I had was cravings!! Cravings everywhere!

I, honestly, didn't have that hard of a time giving up meat. Woo! It was the dairy that killed me. I've always been the type of person that will drink two tall glasses of straight milk for no reason. I also looooove cheese. All the gourmet cheeses! I could tell you all about them. Poor me lol.

I would find myself making a brilliant salad with, like, everything homemade! I was very excited!.... then I would think, "dang,,, just a little bit of feta cheese would be perfect with this." Lots of times, i had to tell myself no. But, if i was having a hard craving for something, I would just go ahead and put some feta cheese on the salad, or have a little piece of chocolate, etc.

I find that it is better to indulge a little rather than wait till you are OUT OF YOUR MIND and binge-eat on loads of chocolate (ladies, you know what i mean).


So, those are just some thoughts on the vegan thing. Mainly, I would encourage to not be too hard on yourself. If you slip up, it's not the end of the world. Just get back up and try again. If you eat a hamburger and all the terrible things one day, just start new the next day! Chin up! We'll get through this together! :)

To: You

The hardest person to love is the one that has hurt me the most. It wasn't the direct words and actions, but the subtle selfishness beneath every decision. The anger that made me scared of the world. The selfishness that made me accept a materialistic and gluttonous lifestyle. And, the disrespect that taught me to hate myself. The realization of all these things riled up anger, pain, hurt, and hate in my heart for you. My life feels like a lie sometimes. Like I've lost years to that lifestyle I learned from you. I feel betrayed because I trusted you the most. You taught me to trust you the most. Then you shattered my life.

Forgiveness may be the strongest act of love I have ever witnessed. It is the sacrifice of pride, entitlement, and sometimes, happiness. We, as sinful humans are almost built to avoid forgiveness and to take on pride. Not only are we built by it, we are taught to take it on every day we live in this world. 

True love is not "true love" from the movies. Love is taking my pride and my hurt, and considering it of no value compared to your happiness and your greater good. Love is taking the love Jesus had on the painful cross for us and giving it to you. I am broken and sinful. I cannot begin to describe the amount of Jesus in me it will take to love you. But, I will no longer be driven by hate. I will no longer shrug off feelings, in general, because feelings hurt. I confess that it's easy to hate you and the decisions you've made. It's easy to hate myself. 

I forgive you because Jesus loves me. Not because you deserve it and not because I'm a good person. The only love being showered on you through me is the love of Jesus. The most powerful love that I know will now be cast onto you. I am a vessel for the love of Jesus Christ. I am not here to judge, to blame, to hate. 

Jesus loves me. I can't think of a more beautiful promise. I can't think of a more beautiful gift than to allow His love to flow through me. I am made new because of him. He is the only thing holding my shattered pieces together. I don't need you or anyone to be something for me. I am whole again because of him. I pray for you because He was my Savior when I was lost. 

I live to proclaim His name to you and the world.

The Lord is at hand

In Philippians 4:4, Paul says "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I say Rejoice."

We are following Matt Chandler's video series on Philippians, and this is the verse he focused on, and we talked about, last night. Here's a few notes I got from it.

--Rejoicing doesn't always = a smile.
--God redeems struggling by being who He is.
--Rejoicing is not a cheesy, unrealistic view of life.
--God is always who He is (faithful, trustworthy, loving) in good and bad times.
--It's okay, and even better for me to ask why.
--Rejoicing doesn't stop the suffering.
--Rejoicing in the pain doesn't stop the pain.
--Rejoicing in the power of God over our circumstances is right.
--Rejoicing in Him gives up hope and strength to live through the pain.
--The Lord is at hand.


I'm sure I'm theologically wrong on things sometimes, but I feel like that's okay. I feel like God loves a willing, servant heart. Rejoicing is so hard. Just hearing that it was important last night was my undoing. I have so many things going on right now. So many internal battles that keep me up at night and keep me depressed. It's so easy to be discouraged right now, and instead I'm called to rejoice. The Lord is at hand.

LIVING

It's really easy to focus on the things going wrong and the people who've done you wrong. I realize that I constantly paint the darkest, saddest picture for myself. I paint myself alone and sad. I have reasons that make sense to me. But, why?? I keep saying I want to break out of it, but how can I if I dwell on it? I really believe that not all problems have clear, cut answers. I'm learning that life is not about fixing yourself. Life is about looking OUTSIDE of yourself. Life is about SEEING the beauty in everything. You can't let YOU block YOU from the rest of the world, if that makes sense. I thought lies, evil, confusion, and critical people were holding me back. That's a lie.

I AM HOLDING MYSELF BACK FROM LIVING.

I really, really am.

I tiptoe around scared, and lacking confidence. I try not to care about anything, so as to protect this heart. This heart that's barely beating. How can it beat? There has been no dreams, no cares, no life to support.

I will never live up to my expectations. I can tell myself that I don't have to, and all that. But, I know as long as I think, I will over-think. And as long as I guess, I will second-guess. So, it's got to not be about me anymore. It's got to be about anything else. It's got to be about the beauty I see. The beauty in God's love, His creation, the wonder in a child, the faith in sincere friendships. I've got to believe in something more than me. If life is about whether I succeed in every miniscule task, I'm wasting every second.

I have WONDERFUL friends right now. I'm renewing my faith in people, because I'm actually giving people a chance. And I'm not putting myself in the way anymore. I want to let people be exactly who they are. No more protecting, manipulating, questioning. I just want to be free. I have people freeing me right now. And THAT is beautiful.

What a wonderful God I need to serve.

Rachel Needs Help. Again.

I want to know things instead of waiting till they happen. I like to worry a lot. I could talk about how that helps me get things done, or whatever. But, i know that it's NOT good. A very special person to me tries to help me with my insecurities. He tries to boost my confidence. I always end up discounting what he says by my reply or my actions still. This story is a little more complicated. But the problem right now, is me. I fear I don't believe what anyone says. I guess I think I know better, or I try to catch the hint of doubt in their voice or the glance of annoyance. It doesn't even matter if what they say is totally sincere, you can be sure, I'll find some reason why they dont mean what they say.

All that to say: I don't know what to do anymore. This attitude affects me in so many negative ways. It keeps me from seizing oppertunities. It keeps me from being independent, performing well musically, making friends, communicating. I've tried preaching to myself about God's truths. You know, the ones I talk about all the time? They don't seems to maintain their weight or importance in my brain for very long. It seems I've been taken over by negativity. And I'm so sad about it.

Notice Something For Me

hiding behind April

not looking at camera

hiding behind stairs



not looking



not looking

 


hiding behind the dang pumpkin

leg up to hide stomach, and not looking at the camera


Yes, I know some were just "poses." But my "poses" reflect my insecurities an awful lot. Unfortunately, when I saw these the for the first time, I saw something I didn't like in every one of them. Oh and I would also like to point out that these are the MOST recent pictures of me on the internet right now, and they were taken last fall. Weird how you realize things... Why can't I just smile and laugh and live all the time? What am I afraid of?

Hello Lovelies

Although blog titles are not important (especially not MY blog),  the change of my blog name is a representation of something very important.
 I've struggled with my self-image since I was pretty young (as many people have). I've spent way too much time worried and anxious about what people think. And I've wasted many thoughts on how much I hate myself.

 I have won many battles throughout this war against things like cutting, under-eating, over-eating, etc. But I'd be lying if I said that this war has been won. It's a constant struggle. A struggle I don't enjoy talking about.

 First off, it's embarrassing:
1) Because, I am a controlling person, that can't control herself.... OFTEN.
2) My fear of other people, keeps me from allowing the option of someone hearing my problems and agreeing with MY opinion of myself.
3) I'm ashamed of the amount of time I spend thinking about myself, rather than thinking of something productive or positive for myself or others. and,
4) I'm most ashamed of how long this, seemingly middle-school, problem has been going on.

So, some things I've been learning lately. I know that, although I get a little frustrated when I have to tell someone a problem, or be vulnerable in any way, it really helps. It's really good to learn how to trust someone else. I have realized that Satan talks to me a lot. He yells all these hateful thoughts into my head. To trust someone else, would mean that they are telling me the TRUTH. This past year, I've learned how vulnerable other people are. I've learned how people are more likely to be slanted, than straight-edged, shaky, than strong, and unsure, rather than confident. And I've also learned that that's okay. It's okay for me to falter, and it's okay for me to show when I falter. In fact, it's important to enlist help when I fall.

You know, sometimes it seems that this struggle will plague me my entire life.  And thinking on that used to destroy me. But I know that Satan wants to destroy me. I know that he's so manipulating. I know that I AM SINFUL.

I know I CAN'T overcome this. I. CANNOT. I have tried dealing with it on my own. Nope. Satan is more powerful than me. But, God IS more powerful than Satan. I know the truth. I know that God can overcome this problem for me. In fact, HE is the ANSWER to many of my problems. Just knowing what HE thinks of me, solves everything.

I allow Satan to talk over everything. I allow myself to get bogged down, and to hide from the truth. I allow myself to believe so many lies.

God tells me I am lovely. God never lies. Ever. It doesn't matter what I think. Even though I forget (A LOT), God speaks the truth. I believe Him. So, I want you to know that you are wonderful. That you matter. And that God believes that you are more special than you know.

So. Hello Lovely. :)

While You Were Sleeping

When I was little, I used to huddle around our little tv to watch this movie, released in 1995, on our VCR. Quite sappy. Quite predictable. More cute, than funny. And I still find myself pining to watch this movie again.  It's okay to lose yourself in a simple, cute, romantic fantasy every now and again.

Summer Time

It is summer time!

My brother and I started this 10 day all fruit and vegetables diet on Monday. And guys, it has been haaaarrrrd!! (it's only Wednesday) So I started thinking about other options for our diet. I thought of going vegan to be able to add some things. But I researched some vegan meals and they were filled with ingredients I'd never heard of and $$$... Sooo, that was out. Now, I'm looking at a more vegetarian diet (with the inclusion of eggs--but we'll talk about that later). So we (at least, I) are/am having fruits and veggies all day, then a healthy, homecooked meal for an early dinner.

So today, I was literally RUNNING in and out the door all day, so I only had a few blueberries and an apple, before my early dinner (not so good). But! I was so productive! I went to a Zumba class this morning at 9:30. I bought fresh herbs, herb seeds, and a couple pots, came home and planted everything, then bought ingredients for healthy meals at Walmart. Then went to my call-back interview at Pieworks, and got the job!! (i start training next week!).

So! When I finally started driving home for real, I started actually feeling hungry. I passed sooo many fast food places.... but, I was dilligent and excited about the ingredients sitting at home for me :)

So tonight I made a Greek Tortellini Salad - minus the Tortellini cuz I couldn't find it :P so it's stupidly simple. But I'm discovering how wonderful simple flavors are(b/c of the whole "only fruit and vegetables" thing. Taste-buds are losing their need for rich, fatty, salty overloads, and appreciating simple, fresh things).

I used this recipe. It includes these ingredients:
Salad :
Spinach
Feta
Red onion

Vinaigrette:
EVOO
red wine vinegar
lemon juice
salt
oregano flakes
salt
fresh parsley

Now, Rachel doesn't always follow the rules. So here are the ingredients I added or subtracted :

-red onion
+grape tomato
+more salt in vinaigrette
+salt and pepper on actual salad
+fried egg

Which brings me to my newfound obsession. The EGG. Fried, poached, scrambled, sunny side-up. It. doesn't. matter. Rachel. is. happy.

Also, I've been working out with Jonathan everyday. Mostly getting toned, since I'll lose weight with this diet thingy. Except cardio today with Zumba. Anyway, it's awesome :)

Thank you.

P.S. I think this is the last time I'll change the layout.... I don't know, I kinda like this whiplash.

Life and Love Tip #1

I always wanted to know what it felt like to be on the other side of the concerned questions.  Do people really want me to ask them how they're doing with the death of the father or their breakup?  All of a sudden, people are coming out of the blue asking me how I'm doing with my parents divorce.  First thought that runs through my head is, how AM I doing?  Then, I think about all the craziness of emotions that flooded through me at that time.  All the questions and bitterness towards life and God.  Not all towards my parents or the act of their divorce.  Just all the thoughts that ran through my mind that stemmed from that.  I had many hopeless thoughts, then many epiphanies and wonderful declarations of my love for God in the midst of everything, then back to hopelessness. There was too much.  So, I always end up saying something stupid like, "It was hard at first, but it's better now."  The people that are asking.  I know they care.  But, it's so hard to put into words everything I've learned this past year.  The divorce was a major point of stretching and learning, and it's hard to explain how affected I was without sounding dramatically rehearsed. 

There were a few people who were there when everything first started happening.  They were there when I felt emotionally and spiritually dead, and they were also there when I started learning to trust in complete uncertainty.  They experienced the growing with me, and I know they understand.  I can't make a checklist of what I learned, but I know that I'm different now, and I know that I WANT to keep changing.  Also, I want to include people in on my changing so that it doesn't feel weird talking about the long-story-short result. 

Isn't that what life is about though? Not the long-story-short result.  I don't want to be so concerned with a happy ending.  I want to experience it, and I don't want to shut people out everytime I feel vulnerable, and then let them back in when all my scars have been covered up. 

Show me your scars. I'll love you.

Dude.

I'm so pumped about today. Simple things that made this day awesome:


1) Assignments finished and turned in on time.

2) Took a test that I studied for

3) Fixed my hair, and wore makeup and matching, cute clothes (the matching is a big deal, guys)

4) Found a homework assignment that my teacher  gave back to me, but then accidentally recorded the grade incorrectly. Gonna give it to her tomorrow for proof! :)

5) Wrote out my maj/min scales for practice and productivity!

6) dress rehearsal for the concert tomorrow went well :)

7) the songs on KLOVE today were all about God's love and how big it is compared to anything else I'm fighting.

8) my beautiful friend, Catey , sent me an encouraging txt msg that warmed my heart.


The best thing about today was that it started out with me feeling sick, sad, and hopeless. But God showed himself to me. I'm so thankful this day He has made. He gave me a break from this ever-present gloom that wants to consume me. Today, I learned that He is so big and mighty and full of love. I don't want to be fearful of myself anymore, because I trust in God. He'll never disappoint me. What a promising, rewarding day!

Thank you, Lord, for who you are.

And, thank you for giving my wonderful friends

to get me through and be examples of You.

I love You forever.

I wonder if I'm destined to sabotage anything good forever now.  I long for the old Rachel. The one who was so hopeful and excited. She could bounce back from anything. She wasn't nonchalant about much of anything. You know, I wouldn't even care if the gullible, naiveity came back with it. I'd almost rather believe everyone, then constantly question.  I feel little. And I can't decide if that is by choice, or by human nature.

Rant.

Do you have to like everything someone does to like them? Can I be attracted to someone who's socially awkward like me? Does he need to be better than me? Is it enough that he treats me like a princess every minute of every day? What if I feel scared a lot of the time? How impressed am I supposed to be with him? How much admiration is healthy?  Can he mess up his grammar and fail at being funny a lot of the times? I've been so critical. I'm trying not to be anymore, but I just wish someone could answer these questions for me. Just in case, there are red flags I'm missing. I'm terrified of hurting this person. Again. And the thought of getting emotionally attached to another person? Freaks me out, man. This person makes me happy. But, I can't tell if it's the real thing. I don't know if I'm asking too much. What if I feel like I still want to be single sometimes? I've gotten used to being independent (with a 1-year on and off long-distance relationship, then 5 months of singleness). If I'm being honest, the thought of answering to someone and planning my future with them (AGAIN) makes me feel sick. Gosh, I'm sooooo confused. People say I should take my time. But, I don't want to lead that person on while I'm still thinking. I feel I've already gotten too invested. Wish I didn't screw everything up all the freakin time.


P.S. Someday, I will write a song with punctuation in the title so I can be cool too.

Some Comments

I'm really not a good friend sometimes.


I've had 19 years of "me" time. It's getting old.


I still love swans and my teddy bear, Anthony. I hope I never grow out of it.


Sometimes, I wish I never I knew what love felt like, so the absence of it wouldn't hurt so much.


So much pretending, and lies, and fear.  Tell me why we live like this.


Someone I cared about, called me ugly and fat, and disapproved of me. I wish I didn't care about their opinion. I wish I didn't have to cry about it.


I'm worth loving. I have value. And I wont tolerate that anymore. I promise.

Future Dream Home

Here's some more items for the kitchen.

Also for the kitchen.






I just love this refrigerator. I don't know how practical it is. But, for some reason, it's just beautiful.

And for other rooms...





doesn't need to be this fancy. But I just love the clawfoot.

and.

....obviously, I suffer a bit from nostalgia.

Also, I like the idea of seasonal decorating. I would have tiny gourds and pumpkins on the table in autumn. And, I would keep flowers on the table as much as possible. And I would hang cheesy holly and ivy around during the winter. I hate tablecloths. I would have hardwood floors. Fireplaces are lovely. Not the gas ones, but the ones you have to put firewood in and light it, and blow on it to make it go faster. That's always fun.

Oh yea. I want one of these too...

and one of these

with an ice cream maker extension!!!

And a gas stove. NOT ELECTRIC! 

Ghokae! I may be done for now.

An Apology

I'm sorry for all the lies. I'm sorry for all the pretending. And now, I'm sorry for all the hate and the increasing bitterness. My heart has been cold. Your light has become dim in my eyes. And I'm oh so sorry. I'm sorry for being fixed on the glitter of the world.  I'm sorry that I didn't think You cared. I'm sorry that I didn't believe You anymore. I'm sorry I let my pain drain out the life in me. I was angry that you created me this way. Satan fed me lies of insecurity, and self-hate. I didn't love me. And I certainly didn't love my Creator. I haven't felt anything real for some time now. Above all, I'm sorry for forgetting. I forgot about faithfulness. I forgot about perseverance. I'm sorry for subconsciously considering Your Word irrelevant to my life. I'm sorry for thinking You couldn't love me or care for me enough to accept me and be there for me. I'm sorry for thinking that little of You.

Will You remind me? Will You prove my wicked heart wrong, please? Will you give me a desire for Your will again? I don't care how it sounds. I need you. I need you to be my perfect companion. I need you to be my good father. I need you to be the lord of my life. I need that. I am ready to admit that you are crucial to my survival. Lord, help me love the things You do. Help me pray like I never have before. Help me actually serve you with a clean heart. Push Satan out of my ear. he is a stumbling block. But You are my refuge. You're my strength when I am weak.

Amen.

Celebrities Are People Too

I find it hard to criticize celebrities a lot. I don't agree with a lot that I see. But, I find it unfair that I'm seeing it in the first place. Yea, this is the life they signed on for. Whatever. Just because their job makes them famous, doesn't mean I'm entitled to knowing who they slept with.

And yes, most of the time, they are responsible for the things they do. And some of them are lying dirtbags. But they're still humans. Have you ever had someone assume you did something you didn't? Or maybe they saw something that looks a lot worse than it is? I mean, you never know. I understand, that they're are not always the victims. But, I don't like generalizing people. I don't like assuming if I can help it.

I want to talk to Lindsay Lohan. Even if we would probably never be friends, bc we're so entirely different. But, I'd like to be inside her mind for a bit. I want to see how much she's been decieved of how much she's decieved herself. What are the values that have been instilled in her since birth? Is she genuinely happy or sad? Or has she mixed her persona with her person? Must be confusing....

Nobody in the "fame" industry is encouraged to be honest. People have to protect themselves. Their reputation is the most important thing in the world. That would be a terrible life. Everything they depends on how they are percieved. I feel sorry for the celebrities who love the attention more than the job. But, at some point, even those celebrities need a break, whether they deserve it or not.

What I've learned is that people are COMPLICATED!!! Things are usually not all black and white. And people's feelings often don't make sense to themselves or the people around them. I wish people would stop pretending. I know they wont. But, I feel bad for the people that feel like they have to. Even a tiny bit.

Ah yes. I knew you'd come back.

It's funny how complicated we are. I suffer from contradicting and confusing myself constantly. I feel alone, so I want somebody to hang out with. But, not long after we've been together, I'd like for them to leave. Those poor, poor people.... Maybe, it's because I'm spending time with them for the wrong reasons. I might feel bad that I only wanted them for company, so I start feeling guilty. Other ways that I'm inwardly contradicting: Sometimes, I'm perfectly socially acceptable, but then other times, I imagine the most awkward things I could say or do in every situation. I'll make awkward faces at people I don't know well enough to do that to, just because it will probably make them feel uncomfortable. But, then later, I walk with my head down in a hallway, and only smile and say hello if they're looking too (which, i believe, is the acceptable thing to do). I'll spend large portions of my time scared of being noticed. Then the "crazy" comes out because I've been deprived. Neither one of those two sides of my "social life" are really me. Really and truly, I've been too scared of me to ever have tried to experiment with who I am with people.

It's not fair that it's only ok for psychology majors to try to disect the human mind & their behaviour. ( yay for European spellings!)

Ah yes. I knew you'd come back.

On a side note, I've decided that the negative language I reserve for when I refer to myself needs to stop. I'm learning about how I need to value myself. I've been realizing how devalued I have been by several people. So I've been trying to be more confident and happy with who I am. But, I know it's just a waste of time, if I just keep letting these words of mine slide. I can't keep looking at myself in the mirror with hate. I can't keep insulting myself on the inside when I feel like I said something dumb. I'm demanding that others respect me, but it's not fair unless I ask the same of myself. My oboe teacher calls her office the No-Negative Zone for me during lessons. (I have a bad habit of calling myself stupid, or getting really angry when I can't play something right.)  I think everywhere should be that for me. No, I'm not going to be some annoyingly, peppy, positive person all the time. But for now, I've gotta have over-the-top confidence in every area.

Two more side notes, then you can go:

I did Zumba dance yesterday, and IT WAS AMAZING!!! and I'm doing yoga on Saturday, which should be equally healthy and good for me :) Yay!

and.

I got my refund check this weekend. Yay! But then I lost my wallet. So now I have a bunch of money in the bank that I can't get to. Yessss....

That feeling where you realize you've just been everyone's mistake. I'm not ok tonight.