So I haven't written in a while. Today was kinda tough for me. I, unfortunately, subjected myself to jealousy. I'm thinking now that all jealousy is, is being angry with God. It's being disappointed with my surroundings. It's not being happy with the position God has put me in. It's me only looking at the bad and poor around me. It's not seeing God's sovreign hand. And it's also thinking highly of myself. I'm only jealous because I believe, down in my wicked heart, that I deserve better. That I shouldn't have to be without something that I want. Other people shouldn't have what I want. I'm shaking my fist at God. Telling him that what he has given me is not good enough.
And that's just not right. What have I done to deserve anything better than anyone else? Absolutely nothing. The only thing I deserve is eternal punishment. But I'm wonderfully and marvelously saved and preserved by God's amazing grace. Anything I get besides that is by his grace. But I, somehow, forget that and become ungrateful. I think I deserve better. I want to tell God what I should get. I want to run my own life. He has given me a family and friends and a future. He has promised me many things. He cares for me and what happens to me. What more do I need? A sovreign, powerful God, who holds this universe in his hands, cares for little me. And I have the nerve to be jealous and angry because I didn't get this small thing that I wanted?
Now I know that maybe it sounds like I've blown this thing a little out of proportion. But I dont think so. It's not just about the jealousy issue today. It's a constant heart issue of mine. It's something that needs to be dealt with. And I guess this jealousy today made me think it's time to change. It's time to start considering a loving God who cares for me. It's time to stop stiff-arming him.
The big motto for our church right now is "change." It's not gonna happen in the church if we aren't all trying to make it happen in our hearts. Our hearts need to change. Our hearts need to stop being selfish and wicked.
My favorite sermon title so far is.... "The heart of the matter, is the matter of our hearts"
