So Blue

Shallow capacity is bearing all I see, and I know
It's disease, it's loss, it's death knocking at my door
I click these thoughts to something else, something more.

I'm so blue, you're so blue.

Detached harmonies, all the airways scream dissonance
And we know of broken life, broken homes,
Broken hearts and broken bones,
Recycling the paper of a crying world's suicide note and
We're so blue, so blue.

See the world spinning round
A sucking hole that souls go down
Embrace the sorrow of today because repentance finds a way
Only His blood can heal our wounds
Only His blood can heal our wounds
And if repentance finds a way, what's left today to be.….blue?

A final symphony,
The precipice too close, you're scaring me -- back away
Sin is real, it doesn't feel, It always, only always, steals.
Run to the cross the only joy that's real.

So blue, so blue
Oh, so blue, so blue

-Downhere

A break :)

One of my favorite past-times is daydreaming about what I will constantly keep in stock in my kitchen when I finally get one :)

basil..... yummmm

corn is just good. and pretty. It's not too healthy, but I love it!

I've got to be pasta's #1 fan. I'd have to have all kinds of pasta all the time.

rosemary :)

LEMONS!!!! I can put use the juice and zest on almost anything! So much flava!

i love tossin these in a pan with some onion and olive oil. Smells delish.

got to be my favorite veggie. Has to be cooked right tho! I like mine with a little crunch.
And it would be cool if I could afford to buy my peas like this ^ !!!

thyme! I def need more experience with this spiffy little herb :)

yummy in the pan with the garlic. And so dang pretty :)

gotta have that EVOO! Don't think I could keep this ^ much in my
house at all times but I'd do my best!

vanilla extract

and nutmeg :) use it in sweet AND savory dishes! And I've ever had it like this ^ where
you grate/ground it yourself. Oh the dreams I have!

Awful Post.

It's so shocking to realize that there are some problems that can't be solved. It's also shocking to encounter such a problem that you have to figure out how you feel about it first. It's that complex, that hurtful, that mind-blowingly confusing.

Baggage has been added on folks. I already had insecurities about my appearance, my social abilities. I already have no confidence. And now I have trust issues. Now, I don't know how I can believe anything anyone says again. When you're so blind-sided by the hurt caused by someone you thought loved you, it changes everything. I feel like an idiot. I feel like I've been so naive, and gullible, easily lied to, easily betrayed.

I know that you guys don't know what the hell I'm talking about. But I want you to know that I have just taken the biggest, most hurtful, most life-changing offense I have ever taken in my life. Everyone keeps wondering what has happened to our all-smiles Rachel. She's overcome with grief, and anger, and sadness, and, God help her, bitterness.

It's going to take weeks, maybe months to deal with this. I just want to leave. I'd like to escape for awhile. Become a new person for a year or so. Wish it was that easy. Instead, I will live in the ugly face of my anguish and tears. So depressing. Sorry guys. I can't think straight. I've been dealing with this for a week now, and I'm still reeling.

Dear God

God, You are good. I'm letting you know that I appreciate it. I've been questioning and complaining and feeling bitter towards You lately, but I do want you to know that I'll come around. I want to thank you for sending Yourself to me through my family, and through music. I want my friends to know that I'm ok. That I'm struggling, but I'll be alright. Struck down, really struck down; but not destroyed.

Many years ago, I told You that I wanted to be like a woman that I knew when I grew up. I looked up to her, and I still do. And now, she has been struck down. I know that she is strong. And, I want to be strong too. It's hard for me to accept what You do, but I bet she accepts it. I bet she cries, but she still wants Your will. I bet she trusts in You, and I bet her faith isn't wavering.

My faith is so faint, I bet You cant even see it anymore.

 Please. I still want to be like her.... I still want to be like You.

But I'm going backwards.

Please help me.

Raindrops

Sometimes, life just feels like scene after scene of a funeral, a heart-break, raindrops on the window, a slow pan of a stack of bills. I feel like I dont know how to handle it. Sometimes, I can't figure out if i should cry, or pray, or be angry. There's some sort of correct grieving method. I usually end up ignoring everything.

I, generally, don't talk to people about things I'm going through. It's not necessarily that I dont trust people, it's just scary. It makes me feel uncomfortable. So, I have a tendency to ignore things. I'm almost immobile, bc I'm scared to let anything out. I ignore until, so many suppressed feelings pile up that I become overwhemed. I get surprised when that little bump in the road makes me scream and cry all of a sudden. I'm full of rage, and I can't stop yelling at myself. After it's all over, I realize that all that was weeks of sadness rolled into a big angry ball.

I don't want to be weak. I don't want to be scared of myself. I want to believe that I'm strong enough to feel every feeling as it comes, and still get through life. Life is so hard. Watching people suffer is hard. Being disappointed is hard, especially when it's YOU that has let YOU down. Having a cheesy God answer doesn't always feel right.

I'd rather be silent; but not immobile. I want to sit in silence with the hurting, like Job's friends did for him. I want people to cry in front of me, so I'll feel free to do the same. I want my love and care to eventually trump their sadness. Above all, I want God's power and goodness, to trump my feelings of loss and hopelessness.

I know somebody who hates talking about feelings. But, maybe, just maybe, it's healthy sometimes.

Project Live: Days 154-162

October 16, 2011

I listened to this song on repeat for hours after my Grandpa passed away last year.

I was thinking about him a lot on this day so I made this video.

October 17, 2011

um. this is a picture of my face. Too lazy to get up and turn the light on.



October 18, 2011

gave Anthony a photo shoot.... cuz I wuv him :)

October 19, 2011

From an earlier blog post.

October 20. 2011
nope.

October 21, 2011

bored in my professor's office (supposed to be making reeds :P )

then, later, I came across this little, decked-out bug :) (ridin home with Cj)

October 22, 2011
nah.


October 23, 2011

my impression of Princess Erika Rose. A bad impression, I'm guessing.

spooky sky :)

jamming in the car :)

The Bad Thing....

The bad thing about growing up in a church..... is everyone knows EVERYTHING. They watch your every move and "discuss" you're life decisions with others. That sounds really negative, but it's not always that way. I think a lot of the time, it's just because they care about you, and frankly, other people's lives almost always seem more exciting than our own. Good intentions, but, I still hate it. It especially doesn't help that I naturally assume people think negatively about me in the first place. Now, hold on, I know that the world doesn't revolve around me. And people aren't holding their breath, waiting to see what I do next. I know. But, I also know that people just naturally wonder about other people. Especially people they've watched grow up. They want to see them do well, and, cast an opinion on every event in the person's life. That's fine. It really is. It just makes me not want to go to church. That's horribly selfish, I know. But, I guess, I'm just tired of putting up this facade of being happy every time everyone knows I'm not. I despise that game. Maybe I should put this all out of my head, and stop trying to think for everyone. In fact, I know I should cut that out........ Whatever.

Untitled

Night time is really bad. I go for a couple days, then the sick feeling comes back as if there has been no improvement. Stop it. I want to act like I don't care, but it really is killing me everytime I see your name in my notifications. I know it's better to keep this light, and act like everything's fine and dandy, but I'm not ready. I want to be. I don't want to be so pathetic anymore, but I am.

I use this blog to write out my depressed thoughts. Partly, because I'm not stupid enough to do it on facebook, and, also, bc I'm too prideful to talk to anyone about how I'm still so affected. I don't want to admit any vulnerability. I think if I act strong and pretend like I'm fine, eventually I will be. But, if I give in and wallow in self-pity, then I'll never get out of this. It seems like ignoring it might be best.   It sure feels better.

Project Live: Days 144-154

October 5, 2011

part of a photo shoot April and I did downtown :)

October 6, 2011

some cool lookin drums in orchestra :)

havin fun editing an old picture :)

October 7, 2011

April took this, while driving, on our way out of Natty to Marshal. Great fun :)

October 8, 2011

April and Casey (my cousins) about to run a 5k that I chickened out of. (this picture was taken about
3.5 seconds after I fell off a curb and sprained my ankle. I was smiling and trying not to scream. A real champ.)

October 9, 2011

my friend and former roommate, Wendy, and her awesome friend, Jordan! Their birthdays are close together :)

October 10, 2011

calendar where we write back and forth to each other (me and cj). A Monte Python reference. This is why we're best friends.

October 11-13, 2011
Hey, shhh! I've done really well this round!

October 14, 2011

I thought this kid was such a cutie, I just had to take a picture. So, while his mother wasn't looking,
I peeked my phone around my arm and took a stalker picture. Shhh...

October 15, 2011

just sittin on the railing o the third floor. Someone kicked the poor guy off later.

our percussionists are so cute :)

My friend Stephen. I think he looks like Doofenshmirtz on Phineas and Ferb.... in a good way!

Woohoo! I'm almost up to date! Everybody cheer.

Stuff of today:

1) Looked at one guy in particular a little too frequently in my music theory class.

2) Did alright on my math quiz, and once again, alright on my music history test. Which i care about way more. obviously. (musicology professor is the end goal; i hate math)

3) cleaned a lot on my room and bathroom (bc my family was gonna come in here)

4) missed/forgot about ANOTHER rehearsal. But Bakenhus was cool about it :)

5)  got dressed in my vampiress attire *many pictures to come ..... Cj did my face paint, mom brought the boots and the cape!!! Woot :)

6) Everyone came to the concert !!!!!!  (except dad, but that's ok cuz he came to the last one) It was awesome and everyone looked soooo great!

7) Took half the paint and makeup off my face first..... obviously, so I could look like Mulan. I even took a squinty-eyed picture and sent it to my mom and brother. Yesh.  *pictures of this as well

8) Sitting here, feeling like I had a really outstanding day, for the first time in a while. I wasn't in yesterday or tomorrow. I really was HERE today. That's a good feeling.