I want to know things instead of waiting till they happen. I like to worry a lot. I could talk about how that helps me get things done, or whatever. But, i know that it's NOT good. A very special person to me tries to help me with my insecurities. He tries to boost my confidence. I always end up discounting what he says by my reply or my actions still. This story is a little more complicated. But the problem right now, is me. I fear I don't believe what anyone says. I guess I think I know better, or I try to catch the hint of doubt in their voice or the glance of annoyance. It doesn't even matter if what they say is totally sincere, you can be sure, I'll find some reason why they dont mean what they say.
All that to say: I don't know what to do anymore. This attitude affects me in so many negative ways. It keeps me from seizing oppertunities. It keeps me from being independent, performing well musically, making friends, communicating. I've tried preaching to myself about God's truths. You know, the ones I talk about all the time? They don't seems to maintain their weight or importance in my brain for very long. It seems I've been taken over by negativity. And I'm so sad about it.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
Notice Something For Me
 |
| hiding behind April |
 |
| not looking at camera |
 |
| hiding behind stairs |
 |
| not looking |
 |
| not looking |
 |
| hiding behind the dang pumpkin |
 |
| leg up to hide stomach, and not looking at the camera |
Yes, I know some were just "poses." But my "poses" reflect my insecurities an awful lot. Unfortunately, when I saw these the for the first time, I saw something I didn't like in every one of them. Oh and I would also like to point out that these are the MOST recent pictures of me on the internet right now, and they were taken last fall. Weird how you realize things... Why can't I just smile and laugh and live all the time? What am I afraid of?
Hello Lovelies
Although blog titles are not important (especially not MY blog), the change of my blog name is a representation of something very important.
I've struggled with my self-image since I was pretty young (as many people have). I've spent way too much time worried and anxious about what people think. And I've wasted many thoughts on how much I hate myself.
I have won many battles throughout this war against things like cutting, under-eating, over-eating, etc. But I'd be lying if I said that this war has been won. It's a constant struggle. A struggle I don't enjoy talking about.
First off, it's embarrassing:
1) Because, I am a controlling person, that can't control herself.... OFTEN.
2) My fear of other people, keeps me from allowing the option of someone hearing my problems and agreeing with MY opinion of myself.
3) I'm ashamed of the amount of time I spend thinking about myself, rather than thinking of something productive or positive for myself or others. and,
4) I'm most ashamed of how long this, seemingly middle-school, problem has been going on.
So, some things I've been learning lately. I know that, although I get a little frustrated when I have to tell someone a problem, or be vulnerable in any way, it really helps. It's really good to learn how to trust someone else. I have realized that Satan talks to me a lot. He yells all these hateful thoughts into my head. To trust someone else, would mean that they are telling me the TRUTH. This past year, I've learned how vulnerable other people are. I've learned how people are more likely to be slanted, than straight-edged, shaky, than strong, and unsure, rather than confident. And I've also learned that that's okay. It's okay for me to falter, and it's okay for me to show when I falter. In fact, it's important to enlist help when I fall.
You know, sometimes it seems that this struggle will plague me my entire life. And thinking on that used to destroy me. But I know that Satan wants to destroy me. I know that he's so manipulating. I know that I AM SINFUL.
I know I CAN'T overcome this. I. CANNOT. I have tried dealing with it on my own. Nope. Satan is more powerful than me. But, God IS more powerful than Satan. I know the truth. I know that God can overcome this problem for me. In fact, HE is the ANSWER to many of my problems. Just knowing what HE thinks of me, solves everything.
I allow Satan to talk over everything. I allow myself to get bogged down, and to hide from the truth. I allow myself to believe so many lies.
God tells me I am lovely. God never lies. Ever. It doesn't matter what I think. Even though I forget (A LOT), God speaks the truth. I believe Him. So, I want you to know that you are wonderful. That you matter. And that God believes that you are more special than you know.
So. Hello Lovely. :)
I've struggled with my self-image since I was pretty young (as many people have). I've spent way too much time worried and anxious about what people think. And I've wasted many thoughts on how much I hate myself.
I have won many battles throughout this war against things like cutting, under-eating, over-eating, etc. But I'd be lying if I said that this war has been won. It's a constant struggle. A struggle I don't enjoy talking about.
First off, it's embarrassing:
1) Because, I am a controlling person, that can't control herself.... OFTEN.
2) My fear of other people, keeps me from allowing the option of someone hearing my problems and agreeing with MY opinion of myself.
3) I'm ashamed of the amount of time I spend thinking about myself, rather than thinking of something productive or positive for myself or others. and,
4) I'm most ashamed of how long this, seemingly middle-school, problem has been going on.
So, some things I've been learning lately. I know that, although I get a little frustrated when I have to tell someone a problem, or be vulnerable in any way, it really helps. It's really good to learn how to trust someone else. I have realized that Satan talks to me a lot. He yells all these hateful thoughts into my head. To trust someone else, would mean that they are telling me the TRUTH. This past year, I've learned how vulnerable other people are. I've learned how people are more likely to be slanted, than straight-edged, shaky, than strong, and unsure, rather than confident. And I've also learned that that's okay. It's okay for me to falter, and it's okay for me to show when I falter. In fact, it's important to enlist help when I fall.
You know, sometimes it seems that this struggle will plague me my entire life. And thinking on that used to destroy me. But I know that Satan wants to destroy me. I know that he's so manipulating. I know that I AM SINFUL.
I know I CAN'T overcome this. I. CANNOT. I have tried dealing with it on my own. Nope. Satan is more powerful than me. But, God IS more powerful than Satan. I know the truth. I know that God can overcome this problem for me. In fact, HE is the ANSWER to many of my problems. Just knowing what HE thinks of me, solves everything.
I allow Satan to talk over everything. I allow myself to get bogged down, and to hide from the truth. I allow myself to believe so many lies.
God tells me I am lovely. God never lies. Ever. It doesn't matter what I think. Even though I forget (A LOT), God speaks the truth. I believe Him. So, I want you to know that you are wonderful. That you matter. And that God believes that you are more special than you know.
So. Hello Lovely. :)
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
While You Were Sleeping
When I was little, I used to huddle around our little tv to watch this movie, released in 1995, on our VCR. Quite sappy. Quite predictable. More cute, than funny. And I still find myself pining to watch this movie again. It's okay to lose yourself in a simple, cute, romantic fantasy every now and again.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Summer Time
It is summer time!
My brother and I started this 10 day all fruit and vegetables diet on Monday. And guys, it has been haaaarrrrd!! (it's only Wednesday) So I started thinking about other options for our diet. I thought of going vegan to be able to add some things. But I researched some vegan meals and they were filled with ingredients I'd never heard of and $$$... Sooo, that was out. Now, I'm looking at a more vegetarian diet (with the inclusion of eggs--but we'll talk about that later). So we (at least, I) are/am having fruits and veggies all day, then a healthy, homecooked meal for an early dinner.
So today, I was literally RUNNING in and out the door all day, so I only had a few blueberries and an apple, before my early dinner (not so good). But! I was so productive! I went to a Zumba class this morning at 9:30. I bought fresh herbs, herb seeds, and a couple pots, came home and planted everything, then bought ingredients for healthy meals at Walmart. Then went to my call-back interview at Pieworks, and got the job!! (i start training next week!).
So! When I finally started driving home for real, I started actually feeling hungry. I passed sooo many fast food places.... but, I was dilligent and excited about the ingredients sitting at home for me :)
So tonight I made a Greek Tortellini Salad - minus the Tortellini cuz I couldn't find it :P so it's stupidly simple. But I'm discovering how wonderful simple flavors are(b/c of the whole "only fruit and vegetables" thing. Taste-buds are losing their need for rich, fatty, salty overloads, and appreciating simple, fresh things).
I used this recipe. It includes these ingredients:
Salad :
Spinach
Feta
Red onion
Vinaigrette:
EVOO
red wine vinegar
lemon juice
salt
oregano flakes
salt
fresh parsley
Now, Rachel doesn't always follow the rules. So here are the ingredients I added or subtracted :
-red onion
+grape tomato
+more salt in vinaigrette
+salt and pepper on actual salad
+fried egg
Which brings me to my newfound obsession. The EGG. Fried, poached, scrambled, sunny side-up. It. doesn't. matter. Rachel. is. happy.
Also, I've been working out with Jonathan everyday. Mostly getting toned, since I'll lose weight with this diet thingy. Except cardio today with Zumba. Anyway, it's awesome :)
Thank you.
P.S. I think this is the last time I'll change the layout.... I don't know, I kinda like this whiplash.
My brother and I started this 10 day all fruit and vegetables diet on Monday. And guys, it has been haaaarrrrd!! (it's only Wednesday) So I started thinking about other options for our diet. I thought of going vegan to be able to add some things. But I researched some vegan meals and they were filled with ingredients I'd never heard of and $$$... Sooo, that was out. Now, I'm looking at a more vegetarian diet (with the inclusion of eggs--but we'll talk about that later). So we (at least, I) are/am having fruits and veggies all day, then a healthy, homecooked meal for an early dinner.
So today, I was literally RUNNING in and out the door all day, so I only had a few blueberries and an apple, before my early dinner (not so good). But! I was so productive! I went to a Zumba class this morning at 9:30. I bought fresh herbs, herb seeds, and a couple pots, came home and planted everything, then bought ingredients for healthy meals at Walmart. Then went to my call-back interview at Pieworks, and got the job!! (i start training next week!).
So! When I finally started driving home for real, I started actually feeling hungry. I passed sooo many fast food places.... but, I was dilligent and excited about the ingredients sitting at home for me :)
So tonight I made a Greek Tortellini Salad - minus the Tortellini cuz I couldn't find it :P so it's stupidly simple. But I'm discovering how wonderful simple flavors are(b/c of the whole "only fruit and vegetables" thing. Taste-buds are losing their need for rich, fatty, salty overloads, and appreciating simple, fresh things).
I used this recipe. It includes these ingredients:
Salad :
Spinach
Feta
Red onion
Vinaigrette:
EVOO
red wine vinegar
lemon juice
salt
oregano flakes
salt
fresh parsley
Now, Rachel doesn't always follow the rules. So here are the ingredients I added or subtracted :
-red onion
+grape tomato
+more salt in vinaigrette
+salt and pepper on actual salad
+fried egg
Which brings me to my newfound obsession. The EGG. Fried, poached, scrambled, sunny side-up. It. doesn't. matter. Rachel. is. happy.
Also, I've been working out with Jonathan everyday. Mostly getting toned, since I'll lose weight with this diet thingy. Except cardio today with Zumba. Anyway, it's awesome :)
Thank you.
P.S. I think this is the last time I'll change the layout.... I don't know, I kinda like this whiplash.
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