Life and Love Tip #1

I always wanted to know what it felt like to be on the other side of the concerned questions.  Do people really want me to ask them how they're doing with the death of the father or their breakup?  All of a sudden, people are coming out of the blue asking me how I'm doing with my parents divorce.  First thought that runs through my head is, how AM I doing?  Then, I think about all the craziness of emotions that flooded through me at that time.  All the questions and bitterness towards life and God.  Not all towards my parents or the act of their divorce.  Just all the thoughts that ran through my mind that stemmed from that.  I had many hopeless thoughts, then many epiphanies and wonderful declarations of my love for God in the midst of everything, then back to hopelessness. There was too much.  So, I always end up saying something stupid like, "It was hard at first, but it's better now."  The people that are asking.  I know they care.  But, it's so hard to put into words everything I've learned this past year.  The divorce was a major point of stretching and learning, and it's hard to explain how affected I was without sounding dramatically rehearsed. 

There were a few people who were there when everything first started happening.  They were there when I felt emotionally and spiritually dead, and they were also there when I started learning to trust in complete uncertainty.  They experienced the growing with me, and I know they understand.  I can't make a checklist of what I learned, but I know that I'm different now, and I know that I WANT to keep changing.  Also, I want to include people in on my changing so that it doesn't feel weird talking about the long-story-short result. 

Isn't that what life is about though? Not the long-story-short result.  I don't want to be so concerned with a happy ending.  I want to experience it, and I don't want to shut people out everytime I feel vulnerable, and then let them back in when all my scars have been covered up. 

Show me your scars. I'll love you.

Dude.

I'm so pumped about today. Simple things that made this day awesome:


1) Assignments finished and turned in on time.

2) Took a test that I studied for

3) Fixed my hair, and wore makeup and matching, cute clothes (the matching is a big deal, guys)

4) Found a homework assignment that my teacher  gave back to me, but then accidentally recorded the grade incorrectly. Gonna give it to her tomorrow for proof! :)

5) Wrote out my maj/min scales for practice and productivity!

6) dress rehearsal for the concert tomorrow went well :)

7) the songs on KLOVE today were all about God's love and how big it is compared to anything else I'm fighting.

8) my beautiful friend, Catey , sent me an encouraging txt msg that warmed my heart.


The best thing about today was that it started out with me feeling sick, sad, and hopeless. But God showed himself to me. I'm so thankful this day He has made. He gave me a break from this ever-present gloom that wants to consume me. Today, I learned that He is so big and mighty and full of love. I don't want to be fearful of myself anymore, because I trust in God. He'll never disappoint me. What a promising, rewarding day!

Thank you, Lord, for who you are.

And, thank you for giving my wonderful friends

to get me through and be examples of You.

I love You forever.