Some Comments

I'm really not a good friend sometimes.


I've had 19 years of "me" time. It's getting old.


I still love swans and my teddy bear, Anthony. I hope I never grow out of it.


Sometimes, I wish I never I knew what love felt like, so the absence of it wouldn't hurt so much.


So much pretending, and lies, and fear.  Tell me why we live like this.


Someone I cared about, called me ugly and fat, and disapproved of me. I wish I didn't care about their opinion. I wish I didn't have to cry about it.


I'm worth loving. I have value. And I wont tolerate that anymore. I promise.

Future Dream Home

Here's some more items for the kitchen.

Also for the kitchen.






I just love this refrigerator. I don't know how practical it is. But, for some reason, it's just beautiful.

And for other rooms...





doesn't need to be this fancy. But I just love the clawfoot.

and.

....obviously, I suffer a bit from nostalgia.

Also, I like the idea of seasonal decorating. I would have tiny gourds and pumpkins on the table in autumn. And, I would keep flowers on the table as much as possible. And I would hang cheesy holly and ivy around during the winter. I hate tablecloths. I would have hardwood floors. Fireplaces are lovely. Not the gas ones, but the ones you have to put firewood in and light it, and blow on it to make it go faster. That's always fun.

Oh yea. I want one of these too...

and one of these

with an ice cream maker extension!!!

And a gas stove. NOT ELECTRIC! 

Ghokae! I may be done for now.

An Apology

I'm sorry for all the lies. I'm sorry for all the pretending. And now, I'm sorry for all the hate and the increasing bitterness. My heart has been cold. Your light has become dim in my eyes. And I'm oh so sorry. I'm sorry for being fixed on the glitter of the world.  I'm sorry that I didn't think You cared. I'm sorry that I didn't believe You anymore. I'm sorry I let my pain drain out the life in me. I was angry that you created me this way. Satan fed me lies of insecurity, and self-hate. I didn't love me. And I certainly didn't love my Creator. I haven't felt anything real for some time now. Above all, I'm sorry for forgetting. I forgot about faithfulness. I forgot about perseverance. I'm sorry for subconsciously considering Your Word irrelevant to my life. I'm sorry for thinking You couldn't love me or care for me enough to accept me and be there for me. I'm sorry for thinking that little of You.

Will You remind me? Will You prove my wicked heart wrong, please? Will you give me a desire for Your will again? I don't care how it sounds. I need you. I need you to be my perfect companion. I need you to be my good father. I need you to be the lord of my life. I need that. I am ready to admit that you are crucial to my survival. Lord, help me love the things You do. Help me pray like I never have before. Help me actually serve you with a clean heart. Push Satan out of my ear. he is a stumbling block. But You are my refuge. You're my strength when I am weak.

Amen.

Celebrities Are People Too

I find it hard to criticize celebrities a lot. I don't agree with a lot that I see. But, I find it unfair that I'm seeing it in the first place. Yea, this is the life they signed on for. Whatever. Just because their job makes them famous, doesn't mean I'm entitled to knowing who they slept with.

And yes, most of the time, they are responsible for the things they do. And some of them are lying dirtbags. But they're still humans. Have you ever had someone assume you did something you didn't? Or maybe they saw something that looks a lot worse than it is? I mean, you never know. I understand, that they're are not always the victims. But, I don't like generalizing people. I don't like assuming if I can help it.

I want to talk to Lindsay Lohan. Even if we would probably never be friends, bc we're so entirely different. But, I'd like to be inside her mind for a bit. I want to see how much she's been decieved of how much she's decieved herself. What are the values that have been instilled in her since birth? Is she genuinely happy or sad? Or has she mixed her persona with her person? Must be confusing....

Nobody in the "fame" industry is encouraged to be honest. People have to protect themselves. Their reputation is the most important thing in the world. That would be a terrible life. Everything they depends on how they are percieved. I feel sorry for the celebrities who love the attention more than the job. But, at some point, even those celebrities need a break, whether they deserve it or not.

What I've learned is that people are COMPLICATED!!! Things are usually not all black and white. And people's feelings often don't make sense to themselves or the people around them. I wish people would stop pretending. I know they wont. But, I feel bad for the people that feel like they have to. Even a tiny bit.

Ah yes. I knew you'd come back.

It's funny how complicated we are. I suffer from contradicting and confusing myself constantly. I feel alone, so I want somebody to hang out with. But, not long after we've been together, I'd like for them to leave. Those poor, poor people.... Maybe, it's because I'm spending time with them for the wrong reasons. I might feel bad that I only wanted them for company, so I start feeling guilty. Other ways that I'm inwardly contradicting: Sometimes, I'm perfectly socially acceptable, but then other times, I imagine the most awkward things I could say or do in every situation. I'll make awkward faces at people I don't know well enough to do that to, just because it will probably make them feel uncomfortable. But, then later, I walk with my head down in a hallway, and only smile and say hello if they're looking too (which, i believe, is the acceptable thing to do). I'll spend large portions of my time scared of being noticed. Then the "crazy" comes out because I've been deprived. Neither one of those two sides of my "social life" are really me. Really and truly, I've been too scared of me to ever have tried to experiment with who I am with people.

It's not fair that it's only ok for psychology majors to try to disect the human mind & their behaviour. ( yay for European spellings!)

Ah yes. I knew you'd come back.

On a side note, I've decided that the negative language I reserve for when I refer to myself needs to stop. I'm learning about how I need to value myself. I've been realizing how devalued I have been by several people. So I've been trying to be more confident and happy with who I am. But, I know it's just a waste of time, if I just keep letting these words of mine slide. I can't keep looking at myself in the mirror with hate. I can't keep insulting myself on the inside when I feel like I said something dumb. I'm demanding that others respect me, but it's not fair unless I ask the same of myself. My oboe teacher calls her office the No-Negative Zone for me during lessons. (I have a bad habit of calling myself stupid, or getting really angry when I can't play something right.)  I think everywhere should be that for me. No, I'm not going to be some annoyingly, peppy, positive person all the time. But for now, I've gotta have over-the-top confidence in every area.

Two more side notes, then you can go:

I did Zumba dance yesterday, and IT WAS AMAZING!!! and I'm doing yoga on Saturday, which should be equally healthy and good for me :) Yay!

and.

I got my refund check this weekend. Yay! But then I lost my wallet. So now I have a bunch of money in the bank that I can't get to. Yessss....