I wonder if I'm destined to sabotage anything good forever now.  I long for the old Rachel. The one who was so hopeful and excited. She could bounce back from anything. She wasn't nonchalant about much of anything. You know, I wouldn't even care if the gullible, naiveity came back with it. I'd almost rather believe everyone, then constantly question.  I feel little. And I can't decide if that is by choice, or by human nature.

Rant.

Do you have to like everything someone does to like them? Can I be attracted to someone who's socially awkward like me? Does he need to be better than me? Is it enough that he treats me like a princess every minute of every day? What if I feel scared a lot of the time? How impressed am I supposed to be with him? How much admiration is healthy?  Can he mess up his grammar and fail at being funny a lot of the times? I've been so critical. I'm trying not to be anymore, but I just wish someone could answer these questions for me. Just in case, there are red flags I'm missing. I'm terrified of hurting this person. Again. And the thought of getting emotionally attached to another person? Freaks me out, man. This person makes me happy. But, I can't tell if it's the real thing. I don't know if I'm asking too much. What if I feel like I still want to be single sometimes? I've gotten used to being independent (with a 1-year on and off long-distance relationship, then 5 months of singleness). If I'm being honest, the thought of answering to someone and planning my future with them (AGAIN) makes me feel sick. Gosh, I'm sooooo confused. People say I should take my time. But, I don't want to lead that person on while I'm still thinking. I feel I've already gotten too invested. Wish I didn't screw everything up all the freakin time.


P.S. Someday, I will write a song with punctuation in the title so I can be cool too.