This Just In.

This just in:

I have resorted to watching tv or doing homework on the couch alone every night. There's the occasional, very long, phone chat with my mother. There's quite a few unreturned text messages. Making fun of stupid commercials, stalking people on facebook, nostalgia. This pattern will most likely continue for the rest of my life.

Restless

Restless: characterized by or manifesting unrest, especially of mind. The sickness of the mind that is so impairing. With it comes many side-effects, such as insomnia, self-doubt, disquiet of the mind. The impact so overwhelming, it stops the gears of common sense and good decisions.  It seems to be a form of instability or uncertainty. And uncertainy seems to be a definite catalyst of restlessness. Most of the time, your thoughts are racing so fast, you can't keep them straight, second-guessing every consideration. But, then, there are other times, when the mind is so full, that you cannot grasp a thing. So, there you sit for hours, in a stupor, eyes wide open, with nothing but the occasional, usual, twitch. There's always something left to be desired. Is it because you desire too much or the wrong thing, even? A crowd of people is unnerving and challenging, but left alone to your thoughts seems just as disturbing.

The worst part of it all are the quick glances, the sneak peeks. You catch glimpses of assurance here and there. The tiny victories of the small choices, the few occurences of impulsivity cause rare, real anticipation. But, then it hides itself so well, leaving you in quite the same fashion.

You wish for a back bone, a strong voice, some comfort, wisdom, for peace.  If you can just stop the constant pricking feeling....  Will you ever get out of this hole you've dug? Is there no good decision that could be made? Or are you just afraid?..... Carl Phillips calls poetry "a generative restlessness of imagination, [and] such an imagination experiences uncertainty, not as adversary, but as opportunity, not as an object of fear but, for better or worse, an object of an all-but-impossible-to-resist fascination."

Our hope is that we come to an understanding of this concept. That "life" and "uncertainty" are interchangable. And that that's a good thing. And Lord willing (and strengthening) we get to a place where we can pray full prayers, stop pacing, make a final decision, rest.

Thumb Tacks

I love this picture. But, mostly, it makes me think of my emotions right now. I feel so antsy and restless. It's like I'm trying to turn the key in the ignition and start my life-car, but the battery is dead. I hear the engine roaring trying to rev up, but it can't. These thumb tacks are all pricking me. My feet are constantly shaking, and im shifting from side to side. I feel so stuck! I just want to do SOMETHING! Some. thing.

Project Live: Days 123-144

We're about to get even more photo heavy... sorry guys, im just so behind! Here goes!

September 14, 2011
of course not....

September 15, 2011

These are a hand carved guitars (that work beautifully!!) by a now-famous alumni of our art department. This guy is awesome!

i think the one on the left is a cigar box type thing. These are just so nifty looking!

wish the picture could capture how beautiful the wood is. I can't remember what type, but gosh it was gorgeous!

this one he hand carved out this little face on the head of one of his guitars. It's so intricate and technical and awesome!

September 16, 2011

nope....


September 17, 2011

ridin into the Dallas area in our charter bus for the SMU game! I would never want to live in a big city like this,
but spending the afternoon sounds nice :)

September 18-29, 2011........ yeah, i know.... Failure to the max! Don't worry, I do better in October!


September 30, 2011


me and cj and a bunch of band kids with whip cream and water balloons. Soooo much fun! :)

my beautiful best friend :)

me and her soaking wet :P

October 1, 2011

two in a row! Ah! :)

Fall! Can i get a what what??!

my band director down in a hole trying to save the day. highschoolers.....

me and my silly friend, Dylan :) not a good picture, but I want to remember people!

October 2, 2011

in case you didn't know, swans are my favorite animal. Beautiful, graceful, wonderful.... find me one (ceramic, glass, plastic, cotton, whatever!) and we'll be best friends :)

april and i playing checkers. Was actually quite a battle (considering i suck at this game)....
 till I just stopped thinking altogether and she won :P

***both these pics were taken at april's mamaw's house. Really cute house :)***


October 3, 2011

yes, it's a Jesus pancake :) courtesy of April and our friend, Blake :)

October 4, 2011

staged.. obviously :P but i was actually pulling her haha

we may be the only ones who ride, much less pay attention, to the boardwalk trolley...
 but we're still cool! (see tiny Lorena back there?) :)

me and nina (don't you see the alien?)

Should be doing something else.....

It's a kitty burrito! Isn't this just cutest thing ever? Lifts the spirits :)

Obviously, I have an obsession for animal pictures. This makes me so happy :)

I really did feel like I was literally doing this a couple times this week.....

This reminds me of a book we used to have around the house. Hilarious photos of animals to illustrate inspirational stuff. It's called, The Blue Day book. Find it and read it, people! :)

C'mon, I know you think it's funny!.... again with the obsession :)

***technically, all these comments should be captions....... screw captions!***

Project Live: Days 105-122

To lighten things up a little bit :)

August 28-29, 2011
 um.. not yet.

August 30, 2011

introducing the music faculty.... geniuses man...
There now, don't geniuses just lighten the mood?

August 31, 2011

no, but me likey :)

imma dork, i know :P

September 1, 2011

you know those pretty sunsets that the picture screws up? Yeah....... :)
outside Wally world

September 2, 2011

nope


Septembre (Sep-teh-mmm-bu-rrrrrr-aayyy) 3, 2011

walking in the morning. yes, it was raining, but i was dedicated..... actually, mostly cause I was
already up at 8 on a Saturday, so nothing was gonna stop me.

September 4-7, 2011

:-'(   (i cry from my nose)


September 8, 2011

idk why this keeps loading on its side. My computer must just hate piano textbooks. Yeah, that makes sense.

September 9, 2011

no, but im Stronger!!!!! (than yesterday... oooh yeah)


September 10, 2011

LSU game!!! :)

me and my bffffffff (figure it out!) eating pieces of someone's 5 pound Hershey Chocolate Bar..... yes really. 

Tiger Stadium! I performed for all these people and they loved me. Every last one of them.

And April's Birthday!! :)

blech picture of me, and caveman Jonathan, but April looks fantastic, and it was a fun time :)

September 11, 2011

no picture :/ Hard to imagine it's been 10 years! Prayed for the families still living with losses today.


September 12, 2011

my computer doesn't like anything music related. Totally about to throw this thing away.....
Oh, I'm listening to Britney Spears right now? Nevermind.

September 13, 2011

the beeeuuuuutiful oboe reed I made.... literally I have tears in my nose....

**** please excuse all the silliness in this post. anything to laugh, folks****

Untitled

When you're so disgusted by these waves of emotion. Any emotion you've ever felt. It all feels like a lie. Feelings lie. I can't trust them. They betray me. You can't trust yourself anymore. What you thought was right, isn't. Disgusted with how you are. How you're so affected. I try to act like I have this thick skin, but I dont. How could I be THAT wrong? I guess I thought I was exempt from the "blinded by love" thing. Or maybe I'm not intuitive at all. Maybe once I have an idea, I latch onto it. Maybe I devote myself to this idea so much, that all red flags are pushed out of my mind. Maybe my mind twists everything bc I have it in my head. I'm so convinced that it's right, that nothing and no one can make me believe otherwise. The problem now, is that it's over, and I'm still desperately trying to grab for those red flags. Trying to see things that I didn't. The problem..... is that I'm still not seeing the problem. My mom, dear old mom, told me that I have the ability to make any relationship work. I'm pretty sure she meant it as an encouragement. But, to be honest, it scared the s*** out of me. Does that mean that this is going to happen again?? Really? Again?..... The other scary observation came from my brother. He said he believed that I really did love him. That I was devoted to him and loved him unconditionally..... Why? How could I be so "deeply in love" (as you can see, I still don't want to believe it) with the wrong person? Why was I so committed to the wrong thing? Why was I killing myself to make the wrong relationship work? Because I'm one of those desperate girls who cant live single? NO! According to my brother, it was because I thought it was worth it. I loved him so much that I was willing to sacrifice anything.......

First, it scares me. But, then, I just get sad. I feel so betrayed and pathetic. Maybe this is a lesson so I wont be so blinded next time, but right now, it seems like all I can think about is the past. I go through stages. First, it's feeling hopeless. I can't trust myself, so it's not going to happen. Blah blah... Then the second stage is denial. I want to believe that I was just a lovesick puppy and it wasn't real. I decide that I will feel "the real thing" with the right one (whatever that is). Then, I get disgusted with myself, so I abandon all feeling and go into the third stage where I decide that I will never ever let anyone get close to me again. I promise myself that I'll be fine with just God and no people. Then (4th), I realize that I like people again. I like friendships and having people to care for. Then, those friendships and family ties tide me over/distract me until I get back to the first stage.

In the midst of all of this, I haven't forgotten about God. I talk to him all the time now. This ^ stuff is goin on in the background. I know that he understands and that I'll get to the other side of all this junk. Now, I just have to learn to be patient. Obviously, something that ran so deep inside me for so long (2 years), is going to take a long time to eradicate (to pull by the roots *me likey*). I'll get it. God'll help me kill it. He's cool like that.

The Stuff of Today

1) I didn't get my thory midterm back yet........

2) I keep having flashbacks of happier times. Stomach sickness and queasiness follow without fail.

3) Practice is going to be long.

4) I sprained my ankle during the weekend... again. So, I am limping and hurting with every step.

5) I gave a guy a little too harsh of a look earlier. I didn't know how to recover. Luckily, he went on flirting unphased....

6) C.j. wrapped my ankle in an Ace bandage, which we're hoping will help.

7) I discovered that I don't actually know how to spell the word "oppertunity" Don't know if it's an e or an o. I decided that I don't want to know. I feel like being willfully ignorant. I don't think I've ever done that. It's some sort of freedom, I think.

8) This is sad.

Goodbye peeps.

P.S "Peeps" marshamallows are the nastiest thing in the world. I think every single one of them should be run over by an 18-wheeler.

P.P.S. You guys aren't nasty. I love you guys. Calm down, it's just a term!

I'm back

I've been stressed and mean and difficult and irritated and freaking out about every little thing. But not anymore. Some of it has to do with the fact that something major just happened to me (not the best event). But most of it is because I feel like I'm finally right with God. I finally realized just how much I had lost focus of Him. I had so many idols that I was worshipping. So, last night I had a long talk with God.

I don't want to lose sight of Him ever again. I dont want to waste another second that could've been used to glorify Him. I'm so tired of dishonoring Him with my actions, my thoughts, my words, and my attitude. I have not been grateful for all that He's done for me. So, I don't want to keep passing up oppertunities to praise Him, to talk about Him, to serve Him. I want my entire life to be act of service to Him.

Because of the "event" I was feeling very alone. I felt like no one wanted to be there for me. I had no hope that I would ever be happy again. But, I really believe that was because I forgot about God. People don't want to hear about the fact that He's always there and you're never alone if you're His child. It sounds like a load of bullcrap that they just tell you to make you feel better. But, I'm telling you, I'm convinced that it's true. I've come to the conclusion that I either believe that or I don't. I either buy into the world's opinion that I just have to look out for #1 and come out on top, or I buy into the fact that God is my Heavenly Father, and He will do what good fathers do for their children, and that is take care of them, comfort them, and carry them through the pain. If I believe that, then I better act like it. If someone's opinion about what I "believe" causes me to waver, then I don't really believe it.

God is bigger than my sins, even than the habitual ones that I can't seem to shake. There have been people in my life who just stopped loving me, or saw things in me that they didn't like and walked away from me. There have been people who just stopped at my appearance. These people have turned me callous and bitter and just plain wary of people. but God has always been there for me. Even when I forgot about Him, and basically, didn't think He was worth living for, He stood by me and loved me. He knows me better than any of those people who walked away did, and He stayed. He saw my complete, true, ugly colors and never stopped loving me. If I really believe that, than my whole life should be act after act of gratitude to Him. He should be the only thing I find worth living for for the rest of my life. I mean that. It's a big deal, man. I'm making this decision, and with God's help, no one and no thing is going to stop me.