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When you're so disgusted by these waves of emotion. Any emotion you've ever felt. It all feels like a lie. Feelings lie. I can't trust them. They betray me. You can't trust yourself anymore. What you thought was right, isn't. Disgusted with how you are. How you're so affected. I try to act like I have this thick skin, but I dont. How could I be THAT wrong? I guess I thought I was exempt from the "blinded by love" thing. Or maybe I'm not intuitive at all. Maybe once I have an idea, I latch onto it. Maybe I devote myself to this idea so much, that all red flags are pushed out of my mind. Maybe my mind twists everything bc I have it in my head. I'm so convinced that it's right, that nothing and no one can make me believe otherwise. The problem now, is that it's over, and I'm still desperately trying to grab for those red flags. Trying to see things that I didn't. The problem..... is that I'm still not seeing the problem. My mom, dear old mom, told me that I have the ability to make any relationship work. I'm pretty sure she meant it as an encouragement. But, to be honest, it scared the s*** out of me. Does that mean that this is going to happen again?? Really? Again?..... The other scary observation came from my brother. He said he believed that I really did love him. That I was devoted to him and loved him unconditionally..... Why? How could I be so "deeply in love" (as you can see, I still don't want to believe it) with the wrong person? Why was I so committed to the wrong thing? Why was I killing myself to make the wrong relationship work? Because I'm one of those desperate girls who cant live single? NO! According to my brother, it was because I thought it was worth it. I loved him so much that I was willing to sacrifice anything.......

First, it scares me. But, then, I just get sad. I feel so betrayed and pathetic. Maybe this is a lesson so I wont be so blinded next time, but right now, it seems like all I can think about is the past. I go through stages. First, it's feeling hopeless. I can't trust myself, so it's not going to happen. Blah blah... Then the second stage is denial. I want to believe that I was just a lovesick puppy and it wasn't real. I decide that I will feel "the real thing" with the right one (whatever that is). Then, I get disgusted with myself, so I abandon all feeling and go into the third stage where I decide that I will never ever let anyone get close to me again. I promise myself that I'll be fine with just God and no people. Then (4th), I realize that I like people again. I like friendships and having people to care for. Then, those friendships and family ties tide me over/distract me until I get back to the first stage.

In the midst of all of this, I haven't forgotten about God. I talk to him all the time now. This ^ stuff is goin on in the background. I know that he understands and that I'll get to the other side of all this junk. Now, I just have to learn to be patient. Obviously, something that ran so deep inside me for so long (2 years), is going to take a long time to eradicate (to pull by the roots *me likey*). I'll get it. God'll help me kill it. He's cool like that.