Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Ramblings
This is nice. I like living this way. Calm, content, free, happy. I fight against being boxed in now. I listen to suggestions and opinions from those that really love me. But, I make my own decisions. I'm absolutely certain that God is guiding me. We're so close now, that I don't need to worry about all the rules I'm supposed to follow. My one desire is to be His. So, I know I don't have to worry about anything else. Obviously, I still sin, but I'm not afraid of asking for forgiveness and moving on. I'm not afraid of what you think of me. Or, at least, I know I don't have to be. I'm proud of who I am :)
New fave artists with fave song:
Ingrid Michaelson - "Oh What A Day"
Arcade Fire - "Rococo"
Radiohead - "You"
Mumford & Sons - "Little Lion Man"
Ray Lamontagne - "Be Here Now"
The Killers - "All These Things That I've Done"
Sometimes I think I can be friends with people. Then I have another conversation with them. I remember why I was questioning our friendship when I'm exhausted after about 6 min. I wish people would lighten up. If you're gonna have a pity party, give me a heads up so I can get the hell out!
That is all :)
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Because
Love that Beatles song. Makes me want to do drugs. Secretly. Shhhh.
I had part of a Mo's Dark Bar. It's a dark chocolate bar with bacon in it. Just imagin it for a second........
There was, unfortunately, way more chocolate than bacon. You could barely taste the bacon. Sad stuff. It was still good tho. Lots of good dark chocolate with just a hint of salt. Still a treasure.
NCIS is the best show on television.
I have been itching to watch Juno for I don't know how long. If you know me, and you're slightly kind, you'll run right over to the * STO and bring it to me. If you're human, you'll realize the totally, sensible desperate need for this movie. (When have you ever heard those three adjectives together like that? If you weren't sure before, now you're certain we have to be best friends.)
I'm becoming more fashionable now. It's actually kindof fun. I go shopping about 2 % more than I used to, which was never, and I'm not hating it. I'm not scoffing at everything I see (well sometimes). As opposed to being cynical and laughing at all the new trends, I'm actually trying to develop a style of my own. I can almost understand why people spend any time thinking about fashion now. Almost.
Also, I really like accessories. I really like old-looking, tarnished gold or silver. Mostly gold. I don't like a lot of bright color. I saw the most amazing necklace in a store today. It was tarnished gold chains with some dark silver and black beads and lopsided loops. I just fell in love with it, but then I looked at the price. $ 18.00. Too bad. Was gonna just put it back. But my mom insisted on buying it for me. I put up a bit of a fight at first, but then, can you believe it, I condoned spending that much money on a necklace! I guess I've just never thought feeling special and stylish was worth it. She bought it for me and a pair of earrings to match, and I cannot wait to wear them.
I've never thought of clothes as anything more than things to cover my body. Matching clothes was just a hassle, so forget enjoying putting an outfit together or feeling pretty. It seems like I may be on my way to feeling proud of the way I look. I like feeling proud of my "style."
On a side note, the only color I hate more than orange, is yellow. The end.
*aka : store. Yes, I'm good enough for asterisk side notes.
I had part of a Mo's Dark Bar. It's a dark chocolate bar with bacon in it. Just imagin it for a second........
There was, unfortunately, way more chocolate than bacon. You could barely taste the bacon. Sad stuff. It was still good tho. Lots of good dark chocolate with just a hint of salt. Still a treasure.
NCIS is the best show on television.
I have been itching to watch Juno for I don't know how long. If you know me, and you're slightly kind, you'll run right over to the * STO and bring it to me. If you're human, you'll realize the totally, sensible desperate need for this movie. (When have you ever heard those three adjectives together like that? If you weren't sure before, now you're certain we have to be best friends.)
I'm becoming more fashionable now. It's actually kindof fun. I go shopping about 2 % more than I used to, which was never, and I'm not hating it. I'm not scoffing at everything I see (well sometimes). As opposed to being cynical and laughing at all the new trends, I'm actually trying to develop a style of my own. I can almost understand why people spend any time thinking about fashion now. Almost.
Also, I really like accessories. I really like old-looking, tarnished gold or silver. Mostly gold. I don't like a lot of bright color. I saw the most amazing necklace in a store today. It was tarnished gold chains with some dark silver and black beads and lopsided loops. I just fell in love with it, but then I looked at the price. $ 18.00. Too bad. Was gonna just put it back. But my mom insisted on buying it for me. I put up a bit of a fight at first, but then, can you believe it, I condoned spending that much money on a necklace! I guess I've just never thought feeling special and stylish was worth it. She bought it for me and a pair of earrings to match, and I cannot wait to wear them.
I've never thought of clothes as anything more than things to cover my body. Matching clothes was just a hassle, so forget enjoying putting an outfit together or feeling pretty. It seems like I may be on my way to feeling proud of the way I look. I like feeling proud of my "style."
On a side note, the only color I hate more than orange, is yellow. The end.
*aka : store. Yes, I'm good enough for asterisk side notes.
Titled
It's hard to know excactly what I can and cannot write on here. I suppose my 3 or something followers have been faithful enough..
My parents are divorcing. That's a tasty little tidbit that I can't think of any other way to say. It's plain and simple, and it would be stupid to try and make it sound better than it is. I'm not quite as angry and depressed as I was 2 months ago when I first found out. It's just kindof a fact now. Just brush it off, Rachel. Brush it off and move on.
My dear friend and I were talking about life, as we often do, and we came to a conclusion. There comes a time in everyone's life where we find out that not every problem has a solution. This isn't a movie. You don't just wrap up all the mess in a pretty little box at the end like, "Here you go" with a smile. You find out that not everything is black and white. Sometimes you just have to feel what you feel, try to keep believing, and hope you don't fall off the edge of the earth. It's just not as simple as we thought it would be, like it used to.
All those truths that were preached into me like, "God is faithful," and, "He's always taking care of you," and, "He has a plan," etc, didn't really mean anything to me till now. I wanted to give up. Everyone else around me looked so happy doing what they wanted to do. Living however the hell they wanted. I was this close to turning my back on everything I ever believed in. But then, I got scared. I wasn't scared of going to hell. That's not what I was afraid of. I was scared of living life without a purpose. All this time, I had been angry at life and how horrible it was. And now I was deciding to turn my back on the one thing that could be the only GOOD thing. Instead of turning to Him and trying to trust that He was gonna get me to the other side of things, I was stuck with, life sucks, then it's over. That's it. I don't want to lead a pointless life. If God's not good, what it? How much more terrible would life be without Him? I suppose this is when people would call me spineless. But it seems like it may take a bit more guts to believe in something you can't see. To give all the power over to someone that may not give you what you want. To feel strong against all the bad stuff because you're letting someone else take the burden. I don't have all the right words, but that sounds like a crazy hard thing to do. Even now, I have a hard time wanting to follow through with what I say.
So now those "sayings" mean something to me. They make sense. I never understood when people talked about God answering their prayers. For the first time in my life, I felt God be the father that I need. The father that tells me how valuable I am. The father that instills in me how much I'm worth. I've really felt him pulling me up when I was seconds away from letting go. It's hard to explain the emotions. I feel this deep, personal feeling about God now. I'm still angry and sad about life a lot. But I know it's ok for me to feel that way now. Because I feel like there's a bond that can't be broken. That I finally understand what He can be for me. And he's glad I figured it out. What I've been going through - I dont wish it on anyone. The pain and disappoinment. But then again, I do wish it on everyone. I want people to experience the kind of personal relationship I have with the only one who can save me from myself. The only one who came through for me. When I didn't want anything to do with him, he turned out to be exactly what I needed.
Anyway, life is a roller coaster. Feels like hell sometimes. But I think I want to be smiling at the end of it. Not because everything goes my way, or even ended up good. But because I learned a few things. Because I survived a life full of disappoinment, but laughter; bitterness, but wisdom; and hardship, but love. And I didn't give up. I really don't want to do that.
My parents are divorcing. That's a tasty little tidbit that I can't think of any other way to say. It's plain and simple, and it would be stupid to try and make it sound better than it is. I'm not quite as angry and depressed as I was 2 months ago when I first found out. It's just kindof a fact now. Just brush it off, Rachel. Brush it off and move on.
My dear friend and I were talking about life, as we often do, and we came to a conclusion. There comes a time in everyone's life where we find out that not every problem has a solution. This isn't a movie. You don't just wrap up all the mess in a pretty little box at the end like, "Here you go" with a smile. You find out that not everything is black and white. Sometimes you just have to feel what you feel, try to keep believing, and hope you don't fall off the edge of the earth. It's just not as simple as we thought it would be, like it used to.
All those truths that were preached into me like, "God is faithful," and, "He's always taking care of you," and, "He has a plan," etc, didn't really mean anything to me till now. I wanted to give up. Everyone else around me looked so happy doing what they wanted to do. Living however the hell they wanted. I was this close to turning my back on everything I ever believed in. But then, I got scared. I wasn't scared of going to hell. That's not what I was afraid of. I was scared of living life without a purpose. All this time, I had been angry at life and how horrible it was. And now I was deciding to turn my back on the one thing that could be the only GOOD thing. Instead of turning to Him and trying to trust that He was gonna get me to the other side of things, I was stuck with, life sucks, then it's over. That's it. I don't want to lead a pointless life. If God's not good, what it? How much more terrible would life be without Him? I suppose this is when people would call me spineless. But it seems like it may take a bit more guts to believe in something you can't see. To give all the power over to someone that may not give you what you want. To feel strong against all the bad stuff because you're letting someone else take the burden. I don't have all the right words, but that sounds like a crazy hard thing to do. Even now, I have a hard time wanting to follow through with what I say.
So now those "sayings" mean something to me. They make sense. I never understood when people talked about God answering their prayers. For the first time in my life, I felt God be the father that I need. The father that tells me how valuable I am. The father that instills in me how much I'm worth. I've really felt him pulling me up when I was seconds away from letting go. It's hard to explain the emotions. I feel this deep, personal feeling about God now. I'm still angry and sad about life a lot. But I know it's ok for me to feel that way now. Because I feel like there's a bond that can't be broken. That I finally understand what He can be for me. And he's glad I figured it out. What I've been going through - I dont wish it on anyone. The pain and disappoinment. But then again, I do wish it on everyone. I want people to experience the kind of personal relationship I have with the only one who can save me from myself. The only one who came through for me. When I didn't want anything to do with him, he turned out to be exactly what I needed.
Anyway, life is a roller coaster. Feels like hell sometimes. But I think I want to be smiling at the end of it. Not because everything goes my way, or even ended up good. But because I learned a few things. Because I survived a life full of disappoinment, but laughter; bitterness, but wisdom; and hardship, but love. And I didn't give up. I really don't want to do that.
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