Actress

She's an actress. The world is her stage... literally. You wouldn't believe the drama she creates in her head. Sometimes fabricated truth, sometimes outright lies. She knows what the people want. Or at least she thinks she does. She does everything in her power to be what they want. She has three or four personalities perfected. She knows exactly how to get the attention of anyone. She perfects her facial expressions, where her eyes go, her body language. None of it is real. It's the perfect world that she's trying to create for everyone. And people keep falling for it, making her stronger and better at what she does. And people genuinely believe her. They do. But, they really dont even know who the 'real' her is. Funny thing is, neither does she. She's so good, that she has decieved even herself....... Do you know me? No, you don't.

Changes

So, things have changed quite a bit since last post. Not to put all my personal information on the internet. But, Jp and I recently decided to end things at least for the time being. The long distance thing was pretty hard. We're just trying to figure out what we're supposed to do with our lives before we bring another person in. Which is understandable, but still hard.

Surpisingly, I still have the same desires. I still want to go to California and be a part of their ministry. But I'm basically entirely confused :P I guess this is good. I can focus more on what I'm doing here. Which is really not what I want to do. But, it seems thats what I should be doing.

Haha, anyways. So college is a little better. First semester is almost over, which is really hard to believe. I like all the people Iv met. Iv made some new really awesome friends actually. I like being a light, if you know what i mean. It's really good for me to be an example of Jesus.

Anyways, I dont like this post very much. I'm sorry to bore you (nobody :P). I'm boring myself, so I'm gonna stop now. Till next tine.

-Rach

Work in Progress

Hey there. So college has been in play for awhile now. And I'm here to report. Let's talk positive feelings first:

I love school and classes! I've always loved learning, so that's no surprise. But yea, classes are interesting and fun. Except first aid and orientation. Could've standed to not be in those, but all is well anyway. I like all my teachers. Love love love my roommate! Her name is Wendy Kussmann. Yea, she's super cool :) Being independent is kindof a good experience.

Negative feelings:

Life feels pointless. I feel like being a part of something much bigger. I'm all alone, and I don't like it. I miss Jp. I miss my family (crazy as they are). I miss my friends at church. I miss my little neighborhood kids. I miss being a part of that kindof ministry. I feel like I'm not doing anything worthwhile. This doesn't feel right. Independence isn't all what it's cracked up to be. I wasn't meant for it.

Reality:

Every part of my life should be a ministry. So that's not really a completely valid point. I have now made it a point to go out of my way to talk about and live like Jesus in front of others (which is a much bigger deal than you think). My daily goal is to shine daily for the glory of the kingdom! Now, that makes me feel much better about being here. I realize that God has me here for Him. Even so, I still feel like doing more. I will not complain about being here for the time that God has me here for. But I do feel that God is calling me to more. More than getting a degree and getting a job. More than this..... ok, I'll come right out and say it. I want to get married and move to California with Jp. I really do. I won't deny that anymore. I want to be a part of that ministry. I love that ministry and those people already! My dilemma now is finding out what God wants. I'm working on this too. I've already found out what God wants me to do right now (Matthew 5:16) by studying His word and listening to the wisdom of a few of my fellow believers. So I figure the solution to this problem will need to come about the same way. God will give me an answer. I believe that. I am studying more and more. I want to know God just as well as I know myself. Maybe when that happens, my desires wont overshadow God's desire for me. Or just maybe, they'll be the same!!!

So right now, as it should have been about all along, life is not about college and whether I like it or not. The new topic is: What is the will of God for my life? Stay tuned.

Blah!

There's this word that I'm tired of hearing. College. There are so many questions about it running through my own mind. People are asking me about it. People are giving me advice about it. People are encouraging me about it. Then I keep telling myself to just stop worryin about it. But it's useless. Because that's all I can think about. No matter what I do, it's constantly on my mind. It's quite frustrating. It's not even worthwhile enough to be thinking about it so much like that. I mean, my goodness. I'm so tired of it. People keep expecting me to be excited about it. But how can I be excited about something, when I feel like I have to be? It just feels like something I'm supposed to do. I dont wanna meet new people. I'm happy with the people I know. I feel like I'm wasting my time. Id rather stay at home, go to my church, talk to my friends, not be too busy for my boyfriend, and be involved in my church neighborhood. Seems like I'm being so selfish. Like, "I'm gonna go live by myself, be independent, learn stuff for myself, so I can get a degree for myself, so I can get a job, and have money." I guess that kind of mentality is wrong, but it makes me so indifferent and apathetic about this whole thing. I guess I should be happy for the opportunity because so many other people dont have the opportunity. But I'd gladly give it to them! I know, I know. It sounds like I'm a spoiled brat. I dont mean to be. It's not that I want to be lazy. It's not that I dont want to learn or go through hard things. I just dont want to waste my time with something that seems so pointless. I don't feel like I'm gonna get much out of it like people say...... but, I dont know. Maybe I'm completely wrong. Maybe I'll have awesome classes and I'll love them. Maybe my roomate will be cool. Maybe it'll be a nice experience. I dont know. Maybe I'll take back everything I just said. Many people I know would tell me that I'm going to do just that. That Im actually gonna "love it." Well, I'll keep "you" posted. Peace.

"The heart of the matter, is the matter of our hearts"

So I haven't written in a while. Today was kinda tough for me. I, unfortunately, subjected myself to jealousy. I'm thinking now that all jealousy is, is being angry with God. It's being disappointed with my surroundings. It's not being happy with the position God has put me in. It's me only looking at the bad and poor around me. It's not seeing God's sovreign hand. And it's also thinking highly of myself. I'm only jealous because I believe, down in my wicked heart, that I deserve better. That I shouldn't have to be without something that I want. Other people shouldn't have what I want. I'm shaking my fist at God. Telling him that what he has given me is not good enough.

And that's just not right. What have I done to deserve anything better than anyone else? Absolutely nothing. The only thing I deserve is eternal punishment. But I'm wonderfully and marvelously saved and preserved by God's amazing grace. Anything I get besides that is by his grace. But I, somehow, forget that and become ungrateful. I think I deserve better. I want to tell God what I should get. I want to run my own life. He has given me a family and friends and a future. He has promised me many things. He cares for me and what happens to me. What more do I need? A sovreign, powerful God, who holds this universe in his hands, cares for little me. And I have the nerve to be jealous and angry because I didn't get this small thing that I wanted?

Now I know that maybe it sounds like I've blown this thing a little out of proportion. But I dont think so. It's not just about the jealousy issue today. It's a constant heart issue of mine. It's something that needs to be dealt with. And I guess this jealousy today made me think it's time to change. It's time to start considering a loving God who cares for me. It's time to stop stiff-arming him.

The big motto for our church right now is "change." It's not gonna happen in the church if we aren't all trying to make it happen in our hearts. Our hearts need to change. Our hearts need to stop being selfish and wicked.

My favorite sermon title so far is.... "The heart of the matter, is the matter of our hearts"

On to the next...

So I graduated from highschool today. I have mixed emotions when I think about being finished with highschool completely. I'm happy to get out of highschool with it's drama and immaturity. But I'm also kinda sad to leave that behind. It's not that I really like the drama and the stupid people. But that's all very familiar to me. You see, I'm not too big on change. But I've been to two graduations today and thats the favorite word of the day. I realize that I can't just sit around and be a bum for the rest of my life. That's not what I want to do anyway. But sometimes, I wish the expectations weren't so high. It's so easy to fail when your expectations are so high. They all say, "I just want you to do your best." But thats not all they want. They want me to excel and be better than other people. To acheive something great that they can brag about. (I'm not exactly sure who "they" is, but I have a good idea). Well, I want to do my best. But I want to be happy. And, unfortunately, for them, what I love most is not the great acheivement that they're hoping for. What I want to do seems mediocre to them. But I dont think so. What I feel led to is so important to me! I dont feel like its so insignificant. Even though, I wont make much money, I'll be very happy. Is that what really matters? I think so. If I'm persevering in the work that I believe God is calling me to, I dont think I need to be doing anything else. God has given me an interest in a certain area and it may not be the greatest job. But I feel like what I want to do is so important. I really dont believe that it's "taking the easy way out" as they say. Teaching children to have an open-mind and broaden their horizons through music is a great calling, I believe. Dont get me wrong, I dont think I'm some miracle-worker and I'm going to change every child's life. But why do I find it so important to simply be a friend to a child who doesn't have a friend. To be a mother, to a child who doesn't have one. And teach a child something they may have never learned in a regular classroom. I believe that music can benefit a life so much. I'm proof of that. I just want to share the joy of music that's in me. I want children to enjoy and appreciate music the way I do. Is that such a small and worthless endeavor?

True Service

"At the source of all Christian service in the world is the crucified and risen Lord who died to liberate us into such service." -Ronald English

There are a lot of people who help those in need. They give food and water to the hungry and thirsty. They start orphanages, adopt babies, donate money, etc. These things make differences in the world. Unfortunately, it is truly worthless without the gospel. These people are not sharing the gospel with the people they help. They might help them get along in the world. But what is the good in that? Do they not know that this world is passing away quickly? No, not many people do. Even the truest Christians forget that a lot. They care for the needy and that's all well and good. But what about their souls? What about the fact that they might not get into heaven? What is it going to matter if they were never hungry or thirsty on the earth, if they're standing at the gates of hell at the end of their life?

Also, what is it going to matter for us if we helped others, but never in the name of Jesus? We gave generously with love but never the gospel and the gift that lasts forever... Jesus (SOG). When we serve, it is not about us. The people should not look to us, they should look to Jesus. And we should not let them look at us. In everything we do, we should proclaim Jesus as our own Savior. If we really cared about these people, we would worry more about their souls than their bellies. We shouldn't make them appreciate us and this world, but God and the expansion of His kingdom! And when we do that, we should not even "feel good" about ourselves. We should only be praising and thanking God for the power of love he gave us. We should know that without Jesus we would be unable to show God's love. We would be unable to even be his servants without His help. Instead, we would be forced to live in our sin with no hope of salvation. Therefore, giving the same lack of hope to others. Nobody would be saved without Him.

True Christian service should only reflect Jesus Christ's sacrifice. In fact, it should only exist to draw attention to Christ. All other service is completely worthless.

Today Was A Fairytale

I woke up super early in the morning. I turned over to my left and saw my husband, still asleep. I turned over to my right, and saw my beautiful, 4 year old daughter, also sound asleep. Right before my husband and I had fallen asleep the night before, she had run in crying from a nightmare. So she had been allowed to sleep in her parent's bed which always kept her safe. With as little noise as possible, I crept out from the middle of the two of them and off the bed. I walked out of the bedroom, through the livingroom, and into the our small, cute kitchen. Toast with butter and jelly was my daughter's favorite breakfast meal (it was also cheap, so it was my favorite too). so I put some bread in the toaster. I started the coffee. (My husband and I used to be complete non coffee-drinkers. But years of working and raising a family had changed that.) I took the toast out and doctored it up the way she liked it. Luckily, my husband and I both liked it the same way. I placed all three of our meals of toast on the table for us. As I was pouring my daughter a glass of milk, my husband walked in carrying my daughter. I know that my husband is not a morning person, but he was smiling at my daughter and me anyway at 7 a.m. in the morning. She got down from her father's arms and and rushed to hug my legs and tell me good morning. I gave her a kiss on the forehead then placed her in her chair. As I was turning to pour our coffee, my husband caught my elbow and kissed me lightly and told me good morning as well. I gave him his mug of coffee and I grabbed mine and we sat down around my daughter at our small table. Then all three of us reached for each other's hands and my husband began to pray. My daughter's food hadn't been touched. She was young, but she knew the way things went for the most part. She knew to wait for daddy to pray. We finished praying and finished our breakfast. My husband went to the bedroom to get ready for work. My daughter and I got the plates together and put them in the sink. She loved being mommy's little helper. We continued cleaning the kitchen together until she realized that playing with her toys was more fun than being mommy's little helper. So I pressed on all by my lonesome. My husband came through the kitchen all ready to go. He gave me a kiss goodbye then went out the door. I shut and locked the door behind him, and watched him get in his car and drive away. I decided it was time to start on that project. I went to the basement and lugged out the big box. My daughter looked strangely at me when I brought some peices in the room. I began to assemble my project. It started looking better. And when my daughter realized what it was, she began squealing with delight. "Baby! Baby! Baby Boy! Baby! Baby! Baby Boy!," she sang as she danced around her small room that was about to get smaller. She continued to laugh and dance as I smiled and looked down at my overgrown belly with love....

Jesus Loves Me

I dont think I've ever had so much on my mind at one time. Every spare minute, I'm thinking, worrying, planning, etc. So many questions, and numbers running through my mind. So much to research, so much to consider. Should I choose a college based on money? Or academics? Or music? Or personal preferences? All of the above? Is all of the above attainable? If it is, where is it??? Whew! Anyways....

Right now I'm forcing myself to sit down and take this time to calm down. Taking deep breaths. Leaning back in my chair and typing fragments just I cause I can and I feel like it. Stop thinking. Stop it. You're still doing it... Haha, I dont know if I'll ever be able to stop worrying, but I should. I'm not saying I shouldn't be practical. But I've got to remember that I have an amazing God that is taking care of me. He has power and is sovreign over everything. Here are some better questions to be asking myself. Am I really allowing Jesus Christ to be Lord of my life? If I am, am I trusting in that lordship? Do I really believe that He is taking care of me in everything? Or am I like a Saducee who doesn't know the scriptures and doesn't understand the power of God? May it never be that I forget my God! Let me pray that I wont leave Him out of my life anymore!

Anyways, writing helps me clear out my thoughts and straighten out my mind a little bit. Hopefully, my mind wont need as much straightening out next time because I'll be trusting in God's sovreignty!!

Jesus loves me. This I know. Now live in the light of that fact!!

Strange that you're so Micah to me....

Now, you're a people person. You try to figure everyone out. Human beings, whether friends or strangers, are all very fascinating to you. So when you see him down the hallway, you're studying eyes can't help but begin to describe him. Weary. Tired. Drained. Exhausted. It's killing you that you can't figure out what's wrong with him. When the only word you can really think of is tired, you get pretty annoyed. But he doesn't care about you, or anyone else for that matter. He seems nonchalant and apathetic about everything around him. Aha! Different adjectives! Now we're getting somewhere! But oh how you wish you knew what was going on in that mind of his! What's eating at him? What or who is he thinking about? Why is he so exhausted?

Now you two are getting nearer to each other. You are just about to pass him when you notice something. His eyes flick to your eyes catching you completely off-guard. You have just been found out! He knows everything! Suddenly, his mouth changes into a small smirk, almost as if he's saying, "I'm not telling you." You can't believe that he showed a tiny bit of emotion. At least, now you know there's at least something going on in that head of his. By this time, you have completely stopped in your tracks. Your staring off into space as if in a trance. His smirk went away as quickly as it came, but you can still feel his pride and arrogance at your surprise as he passes you.

How is it that he knew? You try to be so discreet! No one has ever suspected you before. But with one glance, he seemed to know the truth. The truth that says if someone really looked into your mind, they would only find the thoughts of everyone around you. With one flick of the eyes, he saw straight through you. He saw how you get in people's heads and how you depend on the thoughts of others. He knows that it's not just that people fascinate you. His all-seeing eyes saw that it goes much deeper than that. And with that knowledge, he played a trick on you that you'll never forget.

But wait a second, how would he know that I was studying him if he hadn't been studying me at just the same moment? Oh dear..... what has the world come to....?

Hope

It wasn't that there was something chasing her. It was more that she felt the strong need to get somewhere. She was running toward something. There was something calling her. There was somewhere she needed to be. But she couldn't see where it was. It was dark all around her. She didn't know which way to go. She looked and looked but had no idea. But it seemed that her feet knew where to go. It's like her feet weren't attached to her body. Because her brain had no idea what her feet were doing. Her brain could do nothing but follow the feet and fight to keep the darkness out. She was running with all her might. Running to reach a goal, to find the light, to get out of the dark. One of those. She wasn't sure. Her mind tried its best to stay clear. If she let the shadows creep in, they would invade her mind. They would make her forget the goal. To get out of the darkness. To get to where she could see. Oh to see clearly. But the shadows made her forget what was important. So her mind focused on getting through. Getting to the place of clear thoughts. To the place of purpose. Getting out of the uncertainty of the dark. As her feet rounded a corner, she saw light. She felt hope! And as she began to believe in something, she forgot about her fears. She saw the goal! She felt the dream! Oh the end was in sight! And the darkness lost its power over her. The darkness faded away from her as she reached the light. She stepped out into the light, and I have never felt more free.

My Savior, Jesus Christ, died to set me free from my sin. He died to help me overcome my fears. The darkness and evil of this world no longer has a hold on me. He has paid the price for me. Bore my punishment. And I am set free. I have seen the light. And there is nothing more beautiful.

My Colors

She looked out with eyes the color of the sea after a storm. Those eyes seemed daring and deadly. Almost as if they could see into your soul with their fierce color. They squinted up towards the sun that was beginning to hide in the clouds. Her long, honey-blonde hair waved and floated with the wind. And when her hair would interrupt her upward stare, she would reach up with a graceful hand and tuck it behind her ear, only to be released and flow with the wind again soon after. Finally, she tore her gaze away from the sky and looked around her. She stood in a meadow full of tall, silky grass. The lovely grass was swaying and dancing with the wind. She looked side to side and saw where the pale, green grass ended and the tall trees of the forest begun. And she noticed the occasional, lavender flowers of the field that matched the light, sun dress she was wearing. Swirling around her knees, the dress seemed to want to dance too. Her eyes slid up once more toward the nearly covered now, sun in the sky. And as she fixed her eyes on the slowly moving clouds, her hand reached up unconsciously to her neck. She felt for her silver, heart-shaped locket that had been hidden beneath her dress. She pressed the heart between her thumb and first finger. And as this story ends, she continues to ponder something and watch the sky until the sun is completely eclipsed by clouds. And the screen fades to black. Scene.

Silver Laughter

"Hey!" she said as she met him at the door. He didn't even finish kissing her forehead before she started firing questions at him.

"Did you see her?!" she asked emphatically. "Was she strange looking? What was she wearing? I just couldn't believe it whe-"

"I didn't see her, Brit," he interrupted.

"What? Why didn't you say that in the first place?!," she cried.

"You wouldn't stop talking. Her train was del-"

"Gosh, why didn't you see her? Didn't you go to the train station? I told you what she looked like, didn't I? Now Cara and Sue probably already saw her before me, Sam! What if they did?... Sam! Sam, are you listening to me?!"

"Yes, dear, I'm listening. I'm sure it'll be fine because her train was delayed." She'll be in tomorrow."

What?! Why didn't you tell me?"

"I tried to, hun," he told her calmly.

"Really? Oh sorry, Sam," she smiled apologetically. "I was talking too much again, wasn't I? I always do that! You try to tell me things and I just talk over you. I just always get so over-excited and-"

"It's okay, Brit," he laughed. "I'll go to the train station again tomorrow and look for her."

"You're such a saint," she sighed.

"Yes, I know," he said sarcastically. "I am beginning to think you enjoy freaking out about things and over-reacting though. But, of course, I dont mind," he laughed, I enjoy sitting here watching the wrinkles in you're forehead appear and you're ears turn cherry red-"

"Hey!" she said, covering her ears and looking down at the floor self-consciously. "I take back the saint bit!" she yelled as she walked away into the dining room. She was laughing to herself, then she thought of another thing. "Hey and Sam?" she yelled from the other room. "Dont forget to-"

-invite her over, I know!" he called from the other room.

She shook her head in amazement. "I am so lucky," she thought to herself.

"I know, I know!" he called. "I'm amazing! And you just can't get enough!" he cried. He started singing loudly and off-key, "You just can't get enough, just can't get enough!"

Once more, she shook her head in amazement. "I am so unlucky, "she thought to herself.

Love Letters

My darling, autumn is just a season. But it reminds me that you're gone. You're gone and I'm still here. And as the falling leaves drift by my window, they remind me of how lost I am without you. I imagine you in my head. You are etched into my memory. And I see you're perfect smile in those falling leaves of red and gold. And dear, since you went away, the days grow oh so long. But soon I'll hear old winter's song. And I will miss you then too. And when spring and summer come around, here I'll be, again wishing you were here with me. I'll see your lips the summer kisses. I'll remember the sunburned hands I used to hold. Oh but darling, I miss you most of all when autumn leaves start to fall.



My dear, you must know that I'm here. You're in my heart and mine in yours. My wish for you, my darling, is there'd be no more crying. Oh sweet, do remember that the sun shines for you and because of you! To you, I would give the world! And oh I know that when I'm finally with you, it'll be alright again. Just like a play, my dear. It's all going to come together. And the songbirds keep singing like they know the score. Oh the score to our lovely story! And I love you.... like never before.



These letters are based on two songs, "Autumn Leaves," and "Songbird" sung by Eva Cassidy. I just decided to write the beautiful lyrics down and write two corresponding letters around them. I've been wanting to do this because I think of good, old-fashioned love letters everytime I hear these songs. This was fun :-)

Christmas...

My nerdy self is ready for school. I do not like the Christmas holdiays. The Christmas songs start to play on the radio the day after Thanksgiving!! People say stupid things like, "It's Christmas time, so you have to be nice!" You hear that this is the season of love and giving. People go crazy about giving and receiving gifts. Which means it's the time to go into debt getting that special gift for someone... and why? Because its the Christmas season!! Duh! This is commercialism at its finest!! What's wrong with giving someone an amazing gift another time? (June 3rd possibly :P) Why must we save all our love and devotion for the ones around us for Christmas time? If that's the case, I can't wait till December 26th so I can renew my contempt for you people!! Now lest you deem me a cynic, let me leave sarcasm out for a little while. Let me explain a little better. Truth be told, I love Christmas. I love being able to have more time to spend with my family. I do love the result of the superficial Christmas I have just laid out. I do like that people are being nice and warm and loving. I do like all these things. I just despise the reason for all of it for some people. I do not like that people feel like they have to give gifts or have to be nice just because its December 25th. All I'm saying, is give that same kind of love on October 2nd, or January 26th, or May 4th (completely random dates)! Anyways, I just had to get an opinion out there cause my opinion is so important :P I'm not really trying to accuse people either. I just want people (myself included) to think about why they're giving someone a gift or being nice. Haha, yeah since a bunch of people are reading this. I just know it lol. Alright, I'll preach at the computer again later. Till then...