Titled

It's hard to know excactly what I can and cannot write on here. I suppose my 3 or something followers have been faithful enough..

My parents are divorcing. That's a tasty little tidbit that I can't think of any other way to say. It's plain and simple, and it would be stupid to try and make it sound better than it is. I'm not quite as angry and depressed as I was 2 months ago when I first found out. It's just kindof a fact now. Just brush it off, Rachel. Brush it off and move on.

My dear friend and I were talking about life, as we often do, and we came to a conclusion. There comes a time in everyone's life where we find out that not every problem has a solution. This isn't a movie. You don't just wrap up all the mess in a pretty little box at the end like, "Here you go" with a smile. You find out that not everything is black and white. Sometimes you just have to feel what you feel, try to keep believing, and hope you don't fall off the edge of the earth. It's just not as simple as we thought it would be, like it used to.

All those truths that were preached into me like, "God is faithful," and, "He's always taking care of you," and, "He has a plan," etc, didn't really mean anything to me till now. I wanted to give up. Everyone else around me looked so happy doing what they wanted to do. Living however the hell they wanted. I was this close to turning my back on everything I ever believed in. But then, I got scared. I wasn't scared of going to hell. That's not what I was afraid of. I was scared of living life without a purpose. All this time, I had been angry at life and how horrible it was. And now I was deciding to turn my back on the one thing that could be the only GOOD thing. Instead of turning to Him and trying to trust that He was gonna get me to the other side of things, I was stuck with, life sucks, then it's over. That's it. I don't want to lead a pointless life. If God's not good, what it? How much more terrible would life be without Him? I suppose this is when people would call me spineless. But it seems like it may take a bit more guts to believe in something you can't see. To give all the power over to someone that may not give you what you want. To feel strong against all the bad stuff because you're letting someone else take the burden. I don't have all the right words, but that sounds like a crazy hard thing to do. Even now, I have a hard time wanting to follow through with what I say.

So now those "sayings" mean something to me. They make sense. I never understood when people talked about God answering their prayers. For the first time in my life, I felt God be the father that I need. The father that tells me how valuable I am. The father that instills in me how much I'm worth. I've really felt him pulling me up when I was seconds away from letting go. It's hard to explain the emotions. I feel this deep, personal feeling about God now. I'm still angry and sad about life a lot. But I know it's ok for me to feel that way now. Because I feel like there's a bond that can't be broken. That I finally understand what He can be for me. And he's glad I figured it out. What I've been going through - I dont wish it on anyone. The pain and disappoinment. But then again, I do wish it on everyone.  I want people to experience the kind of personal relationship I have with the only one who can save me from myself. The only one who came through for me. When I didn't want anything to do with him, he turned out to be exactly what I needed.

Anyway, life is a roller coaster. Feels like hell sometimes. But I think I want to be smiling at the end of it. Not because everything goes my way, or even ended up good. But because I learned a few things. Because I survived a life full of disappoinment, but laughter; bitterness, but wisdom; and hardship, but love. And I didn't give up. I really don't want to do that.