Restless

Restless: characterized by or manifesting unrest, especially of mind. The sickness of the mind that is so impairing. With it comes many side-effects, such as insomnia, self-doubt, disquiet of the mind. The impact so overwhelming, it stops the gears of common sense and good decisions.  It seems to be a form of instability or uncertainty. And uncertainy seems to be a definite catalyst of restlessness. Most of the time, your thoughts are racing so fast, you can't keep them straight, second-guessing every consideration. But, then, there are other times, when the mind is so full, that you cannot grasp a thing. So, there you sit for hours, in a stupor, eyes wide open, with nothing but the occasional, usual, twitch. There's always something left to be desired. Is it because you desire too much or the wrong thing, even? A crowd of people is unnerving and challenging, but left alone to your thoughts seems just as disturbing.

The worst part of it all are the quick glances, the sneak peeks. You catch glimpses of assurance here and there. The tiny victories of the small choices, the few occurences of impulsivity cause rare, real anticipation. But, then it hides itself so well, leaving you in quite the same fashion.

You wish for a back bone, a strong voice, some comfort, wisdom, for peace.  If you can just stop the constant pricking feeling....  Will you ever get out of this hole you've dug? Is there no good decision that could be made? Or are you just afraid?..... Carl Phillips calls poetry "a generative restlessness of imagination, [and] such an imagination experiences uncertainty, not as adversary, but as opportunity, not as an object of fear but, for better or worse, an object of an all-but-impossible-to-resist fascination."

Our hope is that we come to an understanding of this concept. That "life" and "uncertainty" are interchangable. And that that's a good thing. And Lord willing (and strengthening) we get to a place where we can pray full prayers, stop pacing, make a final decision, rest.