I always wanted to know what it felt like to be on the other side of the concerned questions. Do people really want me to ask them how they're doing with the death of the father or their breakup? All of a sudden, people are coming out of the blue asking me how I'm doing with my parents divorce. First thought that runs through my head is, how AM I doing? Then, I think about all the craziness of emotions that flooded through me at that time. All the questions and bitterness towards life and God. Not all towards my parents or the act of their divorce. Just all the thoughts that ran through my mind that stemmed from that. I had many hopeless thoughts, then many epiphanies and wonderful declarations of my love for God in the midst of everything, then back to hopelessness. There was too much. So, I always end up saying something stupid like, "It was hard at first, but it's better now." The people that are asking. I know they care. But, it's so hard to put into words everything I've learned this past year. The divorce was a major point of stretching and learning, and it's hard to explain how affected I was without sounding dramatically rehearsed.
There were a few people who were there when everything first started happening. They were there when I felt emotionally and spiritually dead, and they were also there when I started learning to trust in complete uncertainty. They experienced the growing with me, and I know they understand. I can't make a checklist of what I learned, but I know that I'm different now, and I know that I WANT to keep changing. Also, I want to include people in on my changing so that it doesn't feel weird talking about the long-story-short result.
Isn't that what life is about though? Not the long-story-short result. I don't want to be so concerned with a happy ending. I want to experience it, and I don't want to shut people out everytime I feel vulnerable, and then let them back in when all my scars have been covered up.
Show me your scars. I'll love you.
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