Raindrops

Sometimes, life just feels like scene after scene of a funeral, a heart-break, raindrops on the window, a slow pan of a stack of bills. I feel like I dont know how to handle it. Sometimes, I can't figure out if i should cry, or pray, or be angry. There's some sort of correct grieving method. I usually end up ignoring everything.

I, generally, don't talk to people about things I'm going through. It's not necessarily that I dont trust people, it's just scary. It makes me feel uncomfortable. So, I have a tendency to ignore things. I'm almost immobile, bc I'm scared to let anything out. I ignore until, so many suppressed feelings pile up that I become overwhemed. I get surprised when that little bump in the road makes me scream and cry all of a sudden. I'm full of rage, and I can't stop yelling at myself. After it's all over, I realize that all that was weeks of sadness rolled into a big angry ball.

I don't want to be weak. I don't want to be scared of myself. I want to believe that I'm strong enough to feel every feeling as it comes, and still get through life. Life is so hard. Watching people suffer is hard. Being disappointed is hard, especially when it's YOU that has let YOU down. Having a cheesy God answer doesn't always feel right.

I'd rather be silent; but not immobile. I want to sit in silence with the hurting, like Job's friends did for him. I want people to cry in front of me, so I'll feel free to do the same. I want my love and care to eventually trump their sadness. Above all, I want God's power and goodness, to trump my feelings of loss and hopelessness.

I know somebody who hates talking about feelings. But, maybe, just maybe, it's healthy sometimes.