Changes

So, things have changed quite a bit since last post. Not to put all my personal information on the internet. But, Jp and I recently decided to end things at least for the time being. The long distance thing was pretty hard. We're just trying to figure out what we're supposed to do with our lives before we bring another person in. Which is understandable, but still hard.

Surpisingly, I still have the same desires. I still want to go to California and be a part of their ministry. But I'm basically entirely confused :P I guess this is good. I can focus more on what I'm doing here. Which is really not what I want to do. But, it seems thats what I should be doing.

Haha, anyways. So college is a little better. First semester is almost over, which is really hard to believe. I like all the people Iv met. Iv made some new really awesome friends actually. I like being a light, if you know what i mean. It's really good for me to be an example of Jesus.

Anyways, I dont like this post very much. I'm sorry to bore you (nobody :P). I'm boring myself, so I'm gonna stop now. Till next tine.

-Rach

Work in Progress

Hey there. So college has been in play for awhile now. And I'm here to report. Let's talk positive feelings first:

I love school and classes! I've always loved learning, so that's no surprise. But yea, classes are interesting and fun. Except first aid and orientation. Could've standed to not be in those, but all is well anyway. I like all my teachers. Love love love my roommate! Her name is Wendy Kussmann. Yea, she's super cool :) Being independent is kindof a good experience.

Negative feelings:

Life feels pointless. I feel like being a part of something much bigger. I'm all alone, and I don't like it. I miss Jp. I miss my family (crazy as they are). I miss my friends at church. I miss my little neighborhood kids. I miss being a part of that kindof ministry. I feel like I'm not doing anything worthwhile. This doesn't feel right. Independence isn't all what it's cracked up to be. I wasn't meant for it.

Reality:

Every part of my life should be a ministry. So that's not really a completely valid point. I have now made it a point to go out of my way to talk about and live like Jesus in front of others (which is a much bigger deal than you think). My daily goal is to shine daily for the glory of the kingdom! Now, that makes me feel much better about being here. I realize that God has me here for Him. Even so, I still feel like doing more. I will not complain about being here for the time that God has me here for. But I do feel that God is calling me to more. More than getting a degree and getting a job. More than this..... ok, I'll come right out and say it. I want to get married and move to California with Jp. I really do. I won't deny that anymore. I want to be a part of that ministry. I love that ministry and those people already! My dilemma now is finding out what God wants. I'm working on this too. I've already found out what God wants me to do right now (Matthew 5:16) by studying His word and listening to the wisdom of a few of my fellow believers. So I figure the solution to this problem will need to come about the same way. God will give me an answer. I believe that. I am studying more and more. I want to know God just as well as I know myself. Maybe when that happens, my desires wont overshadow God's desire for me. Or just maybe, they'll be the same!!!

So right now, as it should have been about all along, life is not about college and whether I like it or not. The new topic is: What is the will of God for my life? Stay tuned.

Blah!

There's this word that I'm tired of hearing. College. There are so many questions about it running through my own mind. People are asking me about it. People are giving me advice about it. People are encouraging me about it. Then I keep telling myself to just stop worryin about it. But it's useless. Because that's all I can think about. No matter what I do, it's constantly on my mind. It's quite frustrating. It's not even worthwhile enough to be thinking about it so much like that. I mean, my goodness. I'm so tired of it. People keep expecting me to be excited about it. But how can I be excited about something, when I feel like I have to be? It just feels like something I'm supposed to do. I dont wanna meet new people. I'm happy with the people I know. I feel like I'm wasting my time. Id rather stay at home, go to my church, talk to my friends, not be too busy for my boyfriend, and be involved in my church neighborhood. Seems like I'm being so selfish. Like, "I'm gonna go live by myself, be independent, learn stuff for myself, so I can get a degree for myself, so I can get a job, and have money." I guess that kind of mentality is wrong, but it makes me so indifferent and apathetic about this whole thing. I guess I should be happy for the opportunity because so many other people dont have the opportunity. But I'd gladly give it to them! I know, I know. It sounds like I'm a spoiled brat. I dont mean to be. It's not that I want to be lazy. It's not that I dont want to learn or go through hard things. I just dont want to waste my time with something that seems so pointless. I don't feel like I'm gonna get much out of it like people say...... but, I dont know. Maybe I'm completely wrong. Maybe I'll have awesome classes and I'll love them. Maybe my roomate will be cool. Maybe it'll be a nice experience. I dont know. Maybe I'll take back everything I just said. Many people I know would tell me that I'm going to do just that. That Im actually gonna "love it." Well, I'll keep "you" posted. Peace.

"The heart of the matter, is the matter of our hearts"

So I haven't written in a while. Today was kinda tough for me. I, unfortunately, subjected myself to jealousy. I'm thinking now that all jealousy is, is being angry with God. It's being disappointed with my surroundings. It's not being happy with the position God has put me in. It's me only looking at the bad and poor around me. It's not seeing God's sovreign hand. And it's also thinking highly of myself. I'm only jealous because I believe, down in my wicked heart, that I deserve better. That I shouldn't have to be without something that I want. Other people shouldn't have what I want. I'm shaking my fist at God. Telling him that what he has given me is not good enough.

And that's just not right. What have I done to deserve anything better than anyone else? Absolutely nothing. The only thing I deserve is eternal punishment. But I'm wonderfully and marvelously saved and preserved by God's amazing grace. Anything I get besides that is by his grace. But I, somehow, forget that and become ungrateful. I think I deserve better. I want to tell God what I should get. I want to run my own life. He has given me a family and friends and a future. He has promised me many things. He cares for me and what happens to me. What more do I need? A sovreign, powerful God, who holds this universe in his hands, cares for little me. And I have the nerve to be jealous and angry because I didn't get this small thing that I wanted?

Now I know that maybe it sounds like I've blown this thing a little out of proportion. But I dont think so. It's not just about the jealousy issue today. It's a constant heart issue of mine. It's something that needs to be dealt with. And I guess this jealousy today made me think it's time to change. It's time to start considering a loving God who cares for me. It's time to stop stiff-arming him.

The big motto for our church right now is "change." It's not gonna happen in the church if we aren't all trying to make it happen in our hearts. Our hearts need to change. Our hearts need to stop being selfish and wicked.

My favorite sermon title so far is.... "The heart of the matter, is the matter of our hearts"

On to the next...

So I graduated from highschool today. I have mixed emotions when I think about being finished with highschool completely. I'm happy to get out of highschool with it's drama and immaturity. But I'm also kinda sad to leave that behind. It's not that I really like the drama and the stupid people. But that's all very familiar to me. You see, I'm not too big on change. But I've been to two graduations today and thats the favorite word of the day. I realize that I can't just sit around and be a bum for the rest of my life. That's not what I want to do anyway. But sometimes, I wish the expectations weren't so high. It's so easy to fail when your expectations are so high. They all say, "I just want you to do your best." But thats not all they want. They want me to excel and be better than other people. To acheive something great that they can brag about. (I'm not exactly sure who "they" is, but I have a good idea). Well, I want to do my best. But I want to be happy. And, unfortunately, for them, what I love most is not the great acheivement that they're hoping for. What I want to do seems mediocre to them. But I dont think so. What I feel led to is so important to me! I dont feel like its so insignificant. Even though, I wont make much money, I'll be very happy. Is that what really matters? I think so. If I'm persevering in the work that I believe God is calling me to, I dont think I need to be doing anything else. God has given me an interest in a certain area and it may not be the greatest job. But I feel like what I want to do is so important. I really dont believe that it's "taking the easy way out" as they say. Teaching children to have an open-mind and broaden their horizons through music is a great calling, I believe. Dont get me wrong, I dont think I'm some miracle-worker and I'm going to change every child's life. But why do I find it so important to simply be a friend to a child who doesn't have a friend. To be a mother, to a child who doesn't have one. And teach a child something they may have never learned in a regular classroom. I believe that music can benefit a life so much. I'm proof of that. I just want to share the joy of music that's in me. I want children to enjoy and appreciate music the way I do. Is that such a small and worthless endeavor?