Desires

I felt like a stranger at church today. It was so sad. I come home all the time, but I feel like I haven't been able to talk or fellowship with anyone. Now, I'm home for the summer. I'm interning, so I won't be a stranger for long. It sounds like we're going to be doing a lot more this summer. That's exciting! I'd much rather spend all my time at the church and with those kids, than at the second job I was considering getting.

It's not about money for me. But, I will admit, I'm a worrier. It's hard to trust God with all this uncertainty. Uncertainty and spontaneity is fun for some people, but it just makes me anxious. It makes me stress way too much. I have all these wants and desires for my life. I know all the churchy, Bible answers concerning those. But, sometimes, I wonder if it really is ok for me to have desires. Desires to have my own place to live, desires to teach full-time at a low-priveleged school, desires to travel the world, desires to have many many children, desires to get married, desires to stay in Shreveport forever.... I am content in whatever God's will is for me. But does that mean that I'm supposed to forget about everything that I want. Is everything that I want selfish and wrong, just because it came up in my mind as something that I want? Am I supposed to be looking for a nobler, martyr life? Or am I not supposed to be looking at all? I just want to know if it's ok for me to want things. If it's alright to think things are important, not more important that Jesus, just important.

If I was a good, educated writer, then I would be able to structure my writing bits better. But, I suppose writing with the flow of my mind is ok. I think all this questioning of myself is annoying. Ugh...