LIVING

It's really easy to focus on the things going wrong and the people who've done you wrong. I realize that I constantly paint the darkest, saddest picture for myself. I paint myself alone and sad. I have reasons that make sense to me. But, why?? I keep saying I want to break out of it, but how can I if I dwell on it? I really believe that not all problems have clear, cut answers. I'm learning that life is not about fixing yourself. Life is about looking OUTSIDE of yourself. Life is about SEEING the beauty in everything. You can't let YOU block YOU from the rest of the world, if that makes sense. I thought lies, evil, confusion, and critical people were holding me back. That's a lie.

I AM HOLDING MYSELF BACK FROM LIVING.

I really, really am.

I tiptoe around scared, and lacking confidence. I try not to care about anything, so as to protect this heart. This heart that's barely beating. How can it beat? There has been no dreams, no cares, no life to support.

I will never live up to my expectations. I can tell myself that I don't have to, and all that. But, I know as long as I think, I will over-think. And as long as I guess, I will second-guess. So, it's got to not be about me anymore. It's got to be about anything else. It's got to be about the beauty I see. The beauty in God's love, His creation, the wonder in a child, the faith in sincere friendships. I've got to believe in something more than me. If life is about whether I succeed in every miniscule task, I'm wasting every second.

I have WONDERFUL friends right now. I'm renewing my faith in people, because I'm actually giving people a chance. And I'm not putting myself in the way anymore. I want to let people be exactly who they are. No more protecting, manipulating, questioning. I just want to be free. I have people freeing me right now. And THAT is beautiful.

What a wonderful God I need to serve.