Ticking Time-Bomb

I thought I knew myself very, very well. In fact, I thought I analyzed myself far too much. But, it turns out, what I thought was self-assessing, was really the analysis of what anyone and everyone else thought about my every move. And now, it seems that I know very little, and surprise myself very often. Throughout the years, it seems I've been consumed with who I "ought to be" instead of who I really am. I suppose this is typical for people my age, to discover themselves this way. But, I've got to tell you, it is shocking to find yourself crying so unexpectedly about the thought of plans changing. I didn't know I was quite as tightly wound as I am. Maybe, I've always tried to cover that up in order to please people, but inside there's always been a silent scream in the face of uncertainty or social discomfort. And the tears are suddenly ramped up when the new plans include sleeping in a hotel room with several of your boyfriend's friends for a night. And, these people are nice people, never given me any cause for distrust. But, for some reason that I've yet to understand, the thought of it is so disarming, so detrimental to my mental state, that it leaves me in utter shambles, speechless, silent tears. I am pretty sure I was more surprised by this burst of emotion than my boyfriend on the other side of the video-chat. It seems that it was a combination of uncertainty, new people, and the vulnerability required when sleeping next to other people. It struck a huge chord that I had no idea was there. And it's a little frightening that such a deep fear and distrust of people has been hidden under such shallow layers of facade for so long. What else don't I know? I learn all these new fears that I have and I'm bewildered, because shouldn't I have known? Shouldn't I be aware of things that I intensely dislike, things that scare the lights out of me? I don't know which is scarier now, other people, or me, the ticking time-bomb of a person.